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With so many of us traveling for the holidays, here's your friendly reminder to pack your bone saw. And your burlap sack. Also your injectable sedatives and your dismemberment playlist. Assassinations happen, kids, and you don't want to be that jackass who ruins the party by forgetting to pick up supplies!

Forgive the gallows humor, but we're in the 912th day of Bone Saw Week, and things are starting to get surreal. Middle East Eye is reporting that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo colluded with the Saudi government to cover up Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman's involvement in journalist Jamal Khashoggi's murder in the Saudi consulate. Middle East Eye, a paper aligned closely with the Turkish government, reports,

Saudi Arabia's king and crown prince are shielding themselves from the Jamal Khashoggi murder scandal by using a roadmap drawn up by the US secretary of state, a senior Saudi source has told Middle East Eye.

Mike Pompeo delivered the plan in person during a meeting with Saudi King Salman and his son, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, last month in Riyadh, said the source, who is familiar with Pompeo's talks with the Saudi leaders.

The plan includes an option to pin the Saudi journalist's murder on an innocent member of the ruling al-Saud family in order to insulate those at the very top, the source told MEE.

That person has not yet been chosen, the source said, and Saudi leaders are reserving the use of that plan in case the pressure on bin Salman, also known as MBS, becomes too much.

Pompeo went to KSA on October 16 to suggest a cover story? After which the US government spent an entire month stalling for time to allow the "investigation" to take place? Meanwhile, they knew from the jump that this was a hit ordered by Jared Kushner's BFF, and they were waiting for the cover-up to come together?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?


Mike Pompeo vigorously denies MEE's allegations but ABC's reporting confirms that the US government knows damn well who ordered the assassination.

[A] State Department official who has seen a version of the CIA's assessment on the murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi told ABC News it's "blindingly obvious" that the crown prince, known as MBS, ordered Khashoggi's death.

"The idea that it goes all the way to the top is blindingly obvious," said the State Department official, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

"There's overwhelming consensus that the leadership is involved -- no one is debating it within the government," the official said. While saying no doubts are expressed in the report, the official acknowledged that the words "probably" and "likely" are used when attributing the death to the crown prince. The source noted that CIA analysis reports rarely include explicit conclusions.

And if there's one thing Donald Trump fears more than rain, it's being forced to feel normal human empathy. So he's refusing to listen to the audiotape of the murder handed over to the CIA by the Turkish government.

TRUMP: We have the tape. I don't want to hear the tape. No reason for me to hear the tape.

WALLACE: Why don't you want to hear it, sir?

TRUMP: Because its's a suffering tape. It's a terrible tape. I've been fully briefed on it. There's no reason for me to hear it. In fact, I said to the people, 'Should I?' They said, 'You really shouldn't.'

Did "they?" Did "the people" say that? Okay, tough guy.

But rest assured, our government is taking the issue very seriously.

Actual official statement from the White House. No, seriously.

Whichever staffer gets deputized to edit the loony out of official statements has clearly gone home for Thanksgiving already. Feel free to read the whole thing yourself -- it is CRAY-ZEEEEE! But to summarize, Iran BAD, Saudi Arabia GOOD, Murder BAD, Arms Sales GOOD.

After my heavily negotiated trip to Saudi Arabia last year, the Kingdom agreed to spend and invest $450 billion in the United States. This is a record amount of money. It will create hundreds of thousands of jobs, tremendous economic development, and much additional wealth for the United States. Of the $450 billion, $110 billion will be spent on the purchase of military equipment from Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and many other great U.S. defense contractors. If we foolishly cancel these contracts, Russia and China would be the enormous beneficiaries – and very happy to acquire all of this newfound business. It would be a wonderful gift to them directly from the United States!

Jamal Khashoggi TERRORIST????, Truth UNKNOWABLE, Morality HOW DOES IT WORK?

Representatives of Saudi Arabia say that Jamal Khashoggi was an "enemy of the state" and a member of the Muslim Brotherhood, but my decision is in no way based on that – this is an unacceptable and horrible crime. King Salman and Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman vigorously deny any knowledge of the planning or execution of the murder of Mr. Khashoggi. Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all information, but it could very well be that the Crown Prince had knowledge of this tragic event – maybe he did and maybe he didn't!

Maybe he did, and maybe he didn't. Whatever.

Also, suck it HATERS! We got murder machines to peddle. AMERICA FIRST!!!!!!1!!!!

I understand there are members of Congress who, for political or other reasons, would like to go in a different direction – and they are free to do so. I will consider whatever ideas are presented to me, but only if they are consistent with the absolute security and safety of America. After the United States, Saudi Arabia is the largest oil producing nation in the world. They have worked closely with us and have been very responsive to my requests to keeping oil prices at reasonable levels – so important for the world. As President of the United States I intend to ensure that, in a very dangerous world, America is pursuing its national interests and vigorously contesting countries that wish to do us harm. Very simply it is called America First!

Not seeing a denial here of the US role in a plot to help Mohammed Bone Saw cover up assassinating Jamal Khashoggi. Maybe we did, and maybe we didn't.

The point is, Donald Trump really wants to keep lying about the $110 billion in arms sales that is actually $4 billion. And if some of our legal residents with funny names wind up dismembered with their bodies dissolved in acid, well, freedom isn't free. Because in this house, we say Merry Christmas, dammit. Thank you, and GOD BLESS AMERICA.

[Middle East Eye / ABC / White House Statement]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Y'all saw that crazy shit that happened at the White House today when Chuck 'n' Nancy went to visit Trump to talk about averting a government shutdown, and Chuck 'n' Nancy ended up playing foosball with Trump's face while he screamed "WALL!" over and over again? It was so great.

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For the murder of Heather Heyer, the Charlottesville jury gave Fields a life sentence and a fine of $100,000. For each of the three charges of aggravated malicious wounding, they sentenced him to 70 years and fines of $70,000. For each of the five charges of malicious wounding, 20 years in prison and fines of $10,000, and nine years for the hit and run. All in all, this comes out to a life sentence plus 419 years and $480,000. Judge Richard Moore accepted the jury's verdicts, but will hold off on officially sentencing Fields until March 19.

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