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With so many of us traveling for the holidays, here's your friendly reminder to pack your bone saw. And your burlap sack. Also your injectable sedatives and your dismemberment playlist. Assassinations happen, kids, and you don't want to be that jackass who ruins the party by forgetting to pick up supplies!

Forgive the gallows humor, but we're in the 912th day of Bone Saw Week, and things are starting to get surreal. Middle East Eye is reporting that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo colluded with the Saudi government to cover up Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman's involvement in journalist Jamal Khashoggi's murder in the Saudi consulate. Middle East Eye, a paper aligned closely with the Turkish government, reports,

Saudi Arabia's king and crown prince are shielding themselves from the Jamal Khashoggi murder scandal by using a roadmap drawn up by the US secretary of state, a senior Saudi source has told Middle East Eye.

Mike Pompeo delivered the plan in person during a meeting with Saudi King Salman and his son, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, last month in Riyadh, said the source, who is familiar with Pompeo's talks with the Saudi leaders.

The plan includes an option to pin the Saudi journalist's murder on an innocent member of the ruling al-Saud family in order to insulate those at the very top, the source told MEE.

That person has not yet been chosen, the source said, and Saudi leaders are reserving the use of that plan in case the pressure on bin Salman, also known as MBS, becomes too much.

Pompeo went to KSA on October 16 to suggest a cover story? After which the US government spent an entire month stalling for time to allow the "investigation" to take place? Meanwhile, they knew from the jump that this was a hit ordered by Jared Kushner's BFF, and they were waiting for the cover-up to come together?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?


Mike Pompeo vigorously denies MEE's allegations but ABC's reporting confirms that the US government knows damn well who ordered the assassination.

[A] State Department official who has seen a version of the CIA's assessment on the murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi told ABC News it's "blindingly obvious" that the crown prince, known as MBS, ordered Khashoggi's death.

"The idea that it goes all the way to the top is blindingly obvious," said the State Department official, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

"There's overwhelming consensus that the leadership is involved -- no one is debating it within the government," the official said. While saying no doubts are expressed in the report, the official acknowledged that the words "probably" and "likely" are used when attributing the death to the crown prince. The source noted that CIA analysis reports rarely include explicit conclusions.

And if there's one thing Donald Trump fears more than rain, it's being forced to feel normal human empathy. So he's refusing to listen to the audiotape of the murder handed over to the CIA by the Turkish government.

TRUMP: We have the tape. I don't want to hear the tape. No reason for me to hear the tape.

WALLACE: Why don't you want to hear it, sir?

TRUMP: Because its's a suffering tape. It's a terrible tape. I've been fully briefed on it. There's no reason for me to hear it. In fact, I said to the people, 'Should I?' They said, 'You really shouldn't.'

Did "they?" Did "the people" say that? Okay, tough guy.

But rest assured, our government is taking the issue very seriously.

Actual official statement from the White House. No, seriously.

Whichever staffer gets deputized to edit the loony out of official statements has clearly gone home for Thanksgiving already. Feel free to read the whole thing yourself -- it is CRAY-ZEEEEE! But to summarize, Iran BAD, Saudi Arabia GOOD, Murder BAD, Arms Sales GOOD.

After my heavily negotiated trip to Saudi Arabia last year, the Kingdom agreed to spend and invest $450 billion in the United States. This is a record amount of money. It will create hundreds of thousands of jobs, tremendous economic development, and much additional wealth for the United States. Of the $450 billion, $110 billion will be spent on the purchase of military equipment from Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and many other great U.S. defense contractors. If we foolishly cancel these contracts, Russia and China would be the enormous beneficiaries – and very happy to acquire all of this newfound business. It would be a wonderful gift to them directly from the United States!

Jamal Khashoggi TERRORIST????, Truth UNKNOWABLE, Morality HOW DOES IT WORK?

Representatives of Saudi Arabia say that Jamal Khashoggi was an "enemy of the state" and a member of the Muslim Brotherhood, but my decision is in no way based on that – this is an unacceptable and horrible crime. King Salman and Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman vigorously deny any knowledge of the planning or execution of the murder of Mr. Khashoggi. Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all information, but it could very well be that the Crown Prince had knowledge of this tragic event – maybe he did and maybe he didn't!

Maybe he did, and maybe he didn't. Whatever.

Also, suck it HATERS! We got murder machines to peddle. AMERICA FIRST!!!!!!1!!!!

I understand there are members of Congress who, for political or other reasons, would like to go in a different direction – and they are free to do so. I will consider whatever ideas are presented to me, but only if they are consistent with the absolute security and safety of America. After the United States, Saudi Arabia is the largest oil producing nation in the world. They have worked closely with us and have been very responsive to my requests to keeping oil prices at reasonable levels – so important for the world. As President of the United States I intend to ensure that, in a very dangerous world, America is pursuing its national interests and vigorously contesting countries that wish to do us harm. Very simply it is called America First!

Not seeing a denial here of the US role in a plot to help Mohammed Bone Saw cover up assassinating Jamal Khashoggi. Maybe we did, and maybe we didn't.

The point is, Donald Trump really wants to keep lying about the $110 billion in arms sales that is actually $4 billion. And if some of our legal residents with funny names wind up dismembered with their bodies dissolved in acid, well, freedom isn't free. Because in this house, we say Merry Christmas, dammit. Thank you, and GOD BLESS AMERICA.

[Middle East Eye / ABC / White House Statement]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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