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If you were lucky enough to sext with an actual human on Ashley Madison, maybe this was your girlfriend!


So here is some news you can use, which will shock and awe you right to your core, if you are A Idiot. All the HEY LADIES on the Ashley Madison website? Fake. Fake fake fake fake fake. FAKE! Like, if you are a dude, and you got on the internet and were like, "Oh boy howdy, I am going to do adultery against my wife tonight," what actually happened is you fapped your dick furiously looking at profiles that were fake, but you don't know that, because you are dumb. Also, too, that's why those "ladies" never emailed you back, because they were robots, or maybe they were Josh Duggar working out yet another one of his BDSM sex fantasies, by pretending to be a lady.

Gizmodo did the heavy petting analysis on this:

What I discovered was that the world of Ashley Madison was a far more dystopian place than anyone had realized. This isn’t a debauched wonderland of men cheating on their wives. It isn’t even a sadscape of 31 million men competing to attract those 5.5 million women in the database. Instead, it’s like a science fictional future where every woman on Earth is dead, and some Dilbert-like engineer has replaced them with badly-designed robots.

Those millions of Ashley Madison men were paying to hook up with women who appeared to have created profiles and then simply disappeared. Were they cobbled together by bots and bored admins, or just user debris? Whatever the answer, the more I examined those 5.5 million female profiles, the more obvious it became that none of them had ever talked to men on the site, or even used the site at all after creating a profile. Actually, scratch that. As I’ll explain below, there’s a good chance that about 12,000 of the profiles out of millions belonged to actual, real women who were active users of Ashley Madison.

Only 12,000 out of a supposed 5.5 million! Meanwhile the 31,000,000 dudes were just wallfowers at the world's boringest sausage party.

Gizmodo directs our attention to a story about how a former lady employee of Ashley Madison got Repetitive Strain Injury in her hands from the grueling task of creating 1000 obviously fake profiles of fake ladies for the site, so that the dumb loser dudes on the website could give THEMSELVES Repetitive Strain Injuries in their hands, by furiously whacking it to fantasies that would NEVER COME TRUE. And for Avid Life Media, which owns Ashley Madison, this was just part of the business model, we guess. Bilk the stupids out of their moneys!

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Guess this is why Josh Duggar traipsed his pimply ass all the way to Pennsylvania to find the porn star lady he liked, in the flesh, so he could pay her to let him do violent sex on her. None of those bitches on Ashley Madison ever sexted him back. :(

[Gizmodo via RawStory]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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