Ask a Hill Staffer: Fat Joke Edition
Time for your weekly look at the life of leisure that is a gig on Capitol Hill. This week, your questions were all indicative of creepy anti-social tendencies and our Anonymous Hill Staffer's answers were all sorta mean. You guys were meant for one another.
After the jump: competitive eating, pornography, intern ass, and the Secret Service. You know, typical fare.
If you had to bet on someone, which Member of Congress would be most likely to eat a proposal on the House floor?
J.D. Hayworth. More likely that a pre-stomach stapling Hayworth would eat a legislative proposal on the house floor, but he's still a strong candidate. He's the most pompous prick in all of Congress. This is evidenced by his flair for wearing purple Joker suits and acting like James Brown. However, Hayworth is not the hardest working man in Congress. He's just the loudest and has the spikiest hair. If any asshole were to eat a piece of legislation, it would be J.D. However, this would be a great PR move, as I'm predicting this would be the most YouTube'd Congressional moment ever. Not that it would be hard to beat the current record holder, which is the Sumner caning reenactment of '98.
Which Congressman would be most likely to participate in a competitive eating competition?
Are you kidding me? Jerry Nadler. Even with the stomach stapling. Have you seen this guy? He's fucking enormous! And I hate to say this, but his whole family is huge, so he comes from good competitive eating breeding stock. There are pictures of them all over his office if you don't believe me. Nadler is the kind of guy that you are afraid to let around your dog because he might just try sticking it between two slices of bread. If any Member of Congress were to get into professional eating, it would be Nadler, I'm quite sure of it. He's a heart attack waiting to happen. He's quiet too, unlike J.D. Hayworth. Whereas living large was part of J.D.'s personality (and led to his eventual stomach-stapling), I think Nadler eats because he's unhappy and is unhappy because he eats. I mean... there's a big difference between pre- and post-stomach stapling Hayworth. I think Nadler has actually gotten bigger since his stomach was stapled. This is a winner here, no need to pad your bet with a place of a show! My lock of the week!
Damn that was mean. But honest. Brutally honest.
What does your boss do with the free copy of Hustler he gets every month?
For those of you don't know, Members of Congress receive a copy of Hustler magazine every month compliments of Larry Flynt. My boss never sees it, because it goes directly to the staff. There has been an understanding for years that the staff ass puts it in the most senior staffer's mailbox, and it is then passed on by seniority. Usually the guy who is getting laid the least ends up getting to take it home. Needless to say I have a about 65% of last year's issues. However, we got a girl staff ass and lately the Hustler hasn't been making it back to the staffers. Either she's throwing it away or taking it home for herself. I don't know what's worse -- that she's wasting it by tossing it in the trash or not sharing her lesbian fantasies with us.
It seems like people drink a lot on the hill, do the hill police give you a hard time when you try to sneak in your jug of Carlos Rossi?
The only reason they would give you a hard time is because you are such a pussy for drinking Carlos Rossi. Even my liver is mocking you right now. Seriously, Booze walks through security checkpoints on the Hill as often as blackberries do. I've walked into the House office buildings with a half-empty 18 pack of Bud Light and then passed them out to the officers and janitors, all of who seemed to really appreciate the gesture. You don't see me getting a Kennedy-style DUI on the Capitol grounds, now do you? Well, it's because I'm more generous with my substance abuse. If there is an unspoken message here, it is that drinking in Congress is cool, but social drinking in Congress is even cooler.
I'm a middle-aged white dude looking to take full advantage of all the hot intern RepubliSlut action I see on Penn Ave SE (near the Capitol --ed.). In terms of balancing looks with lack of standards, which bars would you recommend?
PS: I am married, but having sex with Republicans doesn't count as cheating, right?
You really are that guy, aren't you? I mean, I chase intern tail and I know it ain't right. You're married. But no, I don't think it really would count as cheating because slutty Republican interns don't really count as people. They're just the scum that starts clinging together at the edge of a stagnant retention pond. Great for breeding Dengue Fever! Just remember, screwing a mosquito with Dengue Fever doesn't count as cheating, but it gives your Dengue Fever all the same. In answer to your second question, I would have to suggest Top of the Hill (above the Pour House, formerly Politiki. They are having an identity crisis). You can get martinis there; I shouldn't say "you," slutty Republican interns get martinis there. You know, the kind of self-important, self-absorbed interns that you want to give the old "in-out, in-out" who get martinis because they think it's a classy drink.
P.S. Microsoft Word thinks that "slutty" should be "sluttish." What a great word! Everybody try working that into a sentence today.
What's with the Secret Service guys in the white vans around the White House in the middle of the night? I feel as though my civil rights are repeatedly violated when I'm there. I mean, really, it's not like I'm plotting to overthrow the government when hanging on the White House fence at midnight.
I usually try to avoid non-Congressional questions because it's outside of my area of expertise, but yes, I know the assholes of whom you speak. Just because you're hanging around the White House at midnight doesn't mean an unmarked Secret Service van has to come up to you and park 5 feet away from you. It's like when teenagers get harassed in front of the movie theatre. Come on, like I don't know you're there? Here are some fun games to play when a Secret Service agent pulls up right behind you at the White House in the middle of the night:
- Whisper meaningless terrorist-related phrases, like "and then he jihad all over my tits! Tear this wall down! Secret tunnel mole ratio is elevated!" If you pick the right words, you'll be swarmed in no time!
- Try flashing the White House. If the Secret Service guy is behind you, you'll know who is watching you by how quickly he gets out of his van. Obviously, point your tits at the White House! Guys, you can moon the White House here if you don't have tits.
- Reach up and grab the top of the fence. I dare you. I double dare you to toss a flaming bag of shit over the fence.
- Try making out with somebody while the Secret Service guy watches, but like in a spy movie. Say something like "make out with me! Trust me!" and pretend that you're just making out, even though you're plotting something against the White House and it's just a clever ruse. The Secret Service will probably move on and say "crazy kids!" so you can go about your business. If nothing else, you'll get a little ass from whomever you dragged down to the White House in the middle of the night.
Hope this makes your next visit to the White House a good one!
Questions? Ask us.