Ask a Hill Staffer: Hagiographic Content
Our good friend the Anonymous Hill Staffer seems to be in a bit of a bad mood this week, but fear not -- he did let us know that with Spring springing (or so we hear, we haven't left our apartment during daylight hours for a week at least), the skintern season shall soon begin in earnest. So his answers to next week's questions ought to be a bit more cheerful, if also a bit distracted.
This week, a very civic-minded edition covers working for Congress, sex again, and a wonderful idea for the Reagan memorial.
If Members of Congress are only working 97 days per year, what are they doing the rest of the time?
Listen, if Members of Congress worked more than 97 days per year, when would they have time to take junkets to Scotland? Congressing is hard work, pal. I think I detect a hint of sarcasm in your voice, and I don't think America's Members of Congress would appreciate it. You probably only went to class, what, 3 days a week in college. By comparison, Congress is working its collective ass off. They need their breaks, just like you did in college. Except instead of throwing a 4-way frat party or setting a couch on fire to blow off steam, they're throwing $250,000 fundraisers and golfing in places where the likes of you will never step foot. What's the difference, really?
I've seen "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," I know what Hill life is like, right?
Yes. What is especially accurate is the part about how Mr. Smith actually cares about the minutiae of his state and doesn't do any fundraising. Oh, and how he does a 24-hour filibuster by yelling "WHOOOAAAAAA boys camp. BOYS CAMP!" Except, whereas Congress is kind of like a warm cuddly puppy in "Mr. Smith," the real Congress is more like a warm cuddly puppy that starts scratching you and pissing all over you when you pick it up at the pet store. And then when you put it down, it poops all over your shoes. That thing is better off behind the glass at the pet store, looking cute and rolling in its own poop. You're going to regret it when you start fucking around with it and try to bring it home.
How do I learn about job openings on the Hill?
I've been getting this a lot lately, so I've cooked up a few easy steps to Hill employment:
1) Get a job interning on the Hill -- offices are always looking to hire eager interns! Your chances here go up exponentially if you have a set of tits. If you don't have them, consider fake tits for the duration of the internship.
B) Make a friend who works on the Hill -- then buy them beers in exchange for job opening announcements! If you need to make friends on the Hill, consider selling drugs in a bathroom in the Cannon House office building.
4) Convince your dad to donate to a Congressman/Senator's campaign. If he donates enough, you can just skip the first two methods because they'll just make an opening for you!
You see, learning about jobs on the Hill is easy. What's that? Haven't tried any of these things yet? Well, don’t worry, the day is still young. Hopefully your dad is on the west coast -- it will only be around 9 or 10 there -- so you can get him writing checks to Congressmen before lunchtime! Good luck from here on out!
I'm coming to DC on business this month, and I'm planning on pretending to be a foreign journalist to get chicks. My question is, can you recommend a bar where this line of BS might work?
I'd go with something on K street or Connecticut avenue, like 1223 (or MXCCLVIVC or whatever the fuck it's actually called) or Five. The girls there are superficial, hot, and dumb as shit. None of them are involved in politics nor do they particularly pay attention to current events, so they'll eat just about anything you feed them. As part of your cover, be sure to mention that you are extremely wealthy. Do you have a foreign passport? A foreign accent? If not, you might want to consider fakes for the night. You can get about halfway by saying "no?" or "yes?" at the end of all your sentences. But don't go on Sunday nights if you're looking to get chicks, because it turns into a gay bar. Or at least that’s what I've heard.
If you could paint a mural on one of the Capitol walls, what would you paint?
I would paint a mural of Ronald Reagan, because he doesn't have enough shit in his honor around Washington. The Capitol would make the perfect place for a new memorial to our 40th President. I'd paint it of his life: the son of a hard working New Deal union man who grows up to become President of the SAG. This would segue into the part of his life where he stabs his fellow union members in the back by negotiating sweetheart deals with the mob and outing the Communists. His dad would be watching in the background with an "I’m disappointed in you, son," look. You know, like when your dad doesn’t yell but makes you feel really bad? And then, I would move on to the part where he divorces his first wife and estranges himself from his kids. Oh yeah, then on to the part where he marries Nancy so he can run for office. I would end it with him going batshit insane with Alzheimer's and Nancy ironically lobbying the Republican party that he built to allow for more embryonic stem-cell research. But don't worry, the lobbying would be interpretive so as not to be offensive. And Reagan would be smiling. How much room do I have for this mural? I forgot Iran-Contra!
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