Ask a Hill Staffer: Speaker "Sergeant" Slaughter

Another Wednesday, another spelunking expedition into the deep, dark, craggy psyche of your Congressional staff. This week: less gay than usual. Our Anonymous Hill Staffer has heard your complaints that when it comes to alternative lifestyles, he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, so he's sticking to his areas of expertise: drinking, chicks, and sneaking into things.

After the jump, your questions are answered. Unless they're dumb.

Does everyone on the Hill need to be laid as much as you do?

Yes. The Hill is a terribly under-sexed place to work. It's kind of like 6th grade again... everybody wants to screw everybody else, but they're afraid to. You've got a bunch of horny staffers dancing with eight inches of air between them. Instead, they just resort to screwing each other in figurative ways. Republicans have the House now, and they're always screwing Democrats over on energy (Clinton's fault!), health care (Clinton's fault!), and terrorism (Clinton's fault!). They're just all sexually frustrated. If they all just got over it and started screwing each other instead, the world would be a kinder, gentler place. Think about Clinton's Presidency vs. Bush's Presidency: Clinton got laid all the time, the economy boomed, and we didn't go to war for 8 years. Bush goes to bed at 10, and even Laura has said she's not getting satisfied in the private quarters of the White House. Economy in the shitter, fighting two wars... the correlation is obvious. Now in Congress, things would be a lot better too if we could all just get laid. Don't do it for me, do it for your country. Why do you hate America, Congressional staffers?

What's the best way to sneak into Senate-side receptions sans invite?

This is actually really easy. Just throw on a suit and head over. Generally, anybody who looks like they belong at a Congressional reception can get in. When you get to the reception, just say "oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to RSVP." You will usually have to come up with a fake name and employer though for the name tag. This is a great chance to be ironic: say your name is Scott McClellan and you work for Senator Leahy. Usually these people are too stupid to know the difference... if they say anything, just say "funny coincidence, isn't it?" For an air of authenticity, you could also go to various Senate and House offices and ask for business cards. Just walk into a random Congressional office, say "who is your agriculture L.A.," and ask for their business card. Then, when you go to the National Pork Producers reception, drop that card off at the door. Voila. If neither of these methods works, just try using a common name. I had an Asian intern once with a really common Asian last name... he would just go to receptions, drop his name, and 99 times out of 100 someone by that name had already RSVP'd. You'll be living the high life of Congressional receptions in no time!

What's the best place in D.C. to meet cute guys who aren't drunk? (Note: this question submitted by a girl!)

Right now I'm trying to come up with a list of places I haven't been drunk in DC, and it's proving to be really difficult. I was going to say the Mall or the National Archives but... yeah, I've been pretty wasted in both places. Shit. What about the zoo? No... damn. If I go to a party function, I'm definitely going to be pretty drunk in order to get through it. I haven't tried AA, but maybe you should consider it? You might also want to consider going to the Church of Scientology in DuPont, I think they're pretty sober. It's too bad for you, because this town is pretty drunk on the whole. I guess if you come by my office before noon, I'm probably sober. Your chances of meeting sober guys are definitely going to be higher during the day... I'm going to go have to make a sober friend and get back to you on this one!

What do you think of the whole Martin Random thing? Is this guy for real or what?

I'm no Bush Administration fan, but if you believe this shit, then I have a million dollars for you in an African bank that a benevolent diamond miner left me. All I need is your bank account to get the money back to the U.S. This rant has the grammar and sentence structure of a 6th grader. Although I do like the part about Cheney swallowing, that's a nice touch. I mean, the guy prefaces the whole thing by saying he's not going to be corroborating any of these fantastic claims with any sort of evidence whatsoever. Why would you believe this guy's wild-assed claims about the government when he refuses to provide any proof and will only write them under the condition of anonymity? You've got to be careful about what you read on the Internet these days, buddy.

Do you think Nancy Pelosi has what it takes to take back the House? If not her then who?

I won't claim to be an expert on this, but in my opinion, Nancy Pelosi doesn't have what it takes to get the House back for the Democrats. She's a little too crazy, and she doesn't have the balls to keep the Democrats in line -- when a Republican voted against their party, DeLay would strip them of their committee assignments and then rip their balls off. When a Democrat votes against the party, Nancy slaps them on the wrist. No, we need someone who's going to crack the whip... someone like Rules Committee Ranking Member Louise "Sergeant" Slaughter. You might remember Sgt. Slaughter before his (her?) gender reassignment surgery from his (her?) involvement with G.I. Joe and the WWF. Shit, the WWF doesn't even exist anymore does it? That's how old school Sarge is. A Democrat votes against the party? "When I'm through, scuzzbucket, they're gonna scrape you off the walls with a squeegee!" as Slaughter would say. Not only that, he (she?) would get the caucus in lockstep the way the Republicans were under DeLay. "My job is to whip you into shape, and I mean whip! There's only two ways out of my command, on your feet like a man, or in a ditty bag. An itty-bitty ditty bag! GOT IT?" Yeah, Sergeant Slaughter, I got it. Democrats are going to take back the House in 06... and I mean TAKE it back.

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