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Ask a Hill Staffer: The Gift Ban That Keeps On Giving

Quoth the Anonymous Hill Staffer: "You write AAHS with the questions you have, not the questions you want." Not that he means that as an insult to you, dear, questioning, readers. It's just that AHS isn't questioning, and is growing disturbed at how much of an expert he's proving to be in the queerer elements of congressional life. We say: keep up the homo stuff, it's hilarious. Questions involving boring heterosexual sex are also welcome, of course, and if they're from hot chicks, AHS will probably give you an answer in person. The guy's desperate.


Find out how desperate, after the jump.

Have you seen Ralph Reed on the Hill lately? Is it true that he and Ken Melhman are fucking?

While I would love this rumor to be true, I don't think Ralph is fucking anybody these days. It would be a wonder if the guy could get a hard-on even if he downed a bottle of Viagra. On the other hand, the guy switched parties, so it's not that hard to imagine him as a switch hitter in the game of love. He'd probably keep quiet about the whole thing with Melhman too -- we can't have a conservative Republican Representative taking it up the ass now, can we? But Mehlman, come on! Are you so far in the closet that you have to fuck the oldest Member of Congress to get your rocks off? This guy is like 83!

Wait, are we talking about Ralph Reed or Ralph Hall here? I'm confused.

ralphhall.jpg

I have a good friend going to DC next week with his mother and plans on some late night sojourns once mommy is tucked in bed. He prefers young Latino men for a fee. Any suggestions where he might find some brown skinned rent boys?

You should suggest that your "friend" try Adams Morgan. Not the 18th street bars, but the real Adams Morgan up on Columbia past 18th. There are plenty of brown skinned fellows up there, and I'm sure you could hire one for the evening. You should ideally hire an illegal Latino fellow, because they'll do it twice as hard and at half the price. In the public discourse about immigration reform, we often gloss over those among those of them that are male prostitutes. They are doing the jobs that Americans don't want to do. With male prostitutes leaving their profession at an alarming rate to pursue new career options, we need illegal immigrants more than ever to provide these services in a cheap and efficient way. And shit, they'll do anything as long as you pay them -- be it painting a house or polishing your knob!

Are Hill Staffers allowed to drink at lunch?

"Allowed" is a loose term here. If I'm drinking a stolen airline gin bottle I don't think that's technically "allowed" for a couple of reasons, but I still do it. Really it depends on the office. Drinking at lunch is generally frowned upon in my office, but I do know of an office where the only rule is "it has to be domestic." So none of that outsourced Asian beer or job-stealing Mexican beer, got it? I think if I ever got caught drinking at lunch, I'd be shit canned. That's why I tend to limit my heavy office drinking to times when the boss and my supervisors are out of the office. If I'm the most senior staffer in the office, chances are I've got a pretty good buzz going!

Do you get any good propositions in your guise as AHS?

Sadly, no. I'm still holding out though, because the promise of women throwing themselves at me was really the only reason I agreed to do this. I do get asked a lot of questions about gay nightlife, but I'm not really sure why. I mean, I think it's fairly obvious through this column that I'm rather charming, and from there you can surmise that I am unbelievably good looking in person. So then why no good propositions yet, people? I think I'm going to change the name of this column from "Ask a Hill Staffer" to "Ask and/or Proposition a Hill Staffer." Then maybe I'll finally get laid.

If lobbyists can no longer give gifts to legislators, why wouldn't they just start trading sexual favors for legislation instead? I mean, to paraphrase Michael Corleone, "if anything in this life is certain...it is that you can fellate anyone."

For this kind of thing to become a reality, we'd really need to transform the lobbying industry from the top down. Instead of looking like the accounting industry, it needs to look more like the pharmaceutical sales industry. You know, ex-cheerleaders, dancers, and the like. I really hope that lobbying and ethics reform addresses this. A blowjob for an earmark? Now there's a victimless crime. There's a lot of room for cross-marketing and new hybrid lobby shops here too. Imagine if Jack Abramoff had formed Team Abramoff Government Relations and Escort Services -- the man would have been unstoppable!

Got a question? Ask and/or proposition away.

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