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Ask a Lobbyist: Baltic Trysts

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't.


In this week's installment, I bring you the collection of the weirdest, most difficult-to-answer questions I have ever received that don't have anything to do with my physical attributes. Want to ask something ever so slightly more coherent? Email me.

Who would you rather sleep with, Hitler or Stalin?

As I've previously mentioned, mustaches aren't really my thing, so neither Hitler nor Stalin gets me all a-twitter with desire. Plus, Hitler had tremendous mommy issues (and I got over being some boy's mommy like 4 ex-boyfriends ago) and Stalin was completely paranoid megalomaniac (which Freud tells us means he had a abnormally small penis, and God knows I have no urge to fuck a small child's thumb and pretend like it's doing something for me). In fact, most of the 20th century fascists weren't particularly attractive. I guess television and democracy really do have something over a police state -- they keep the real fuglies out of politics.

But, more to the point, I don't fuck men because they're powerful -- honestly, what the hell kind of true power does some 30 year old Congressional staffer or 1 of 364 Congressmen really have? Ooh, they wrote a bill, or got their face on C-Span, yeah, baby, that's what gets me hot. And especially if he's so hard up that he'll do something in exchange for one take-down? He's definitely lame and not particularly powerful. Maybe Senators have enough power to be ever so slightly more fuckable, but I don't dig on the Viagral sex, and old man-boobs and grey chest hair depress me more than they get me horny. I fuck men because I want to, and it just more happens that the Hillites are the ones I see most of the time. It's not an attraction-to-power thing, because the only power that really gets me hot is my own.

Several years back I was dining at the cute little station house restaurant in Garrett Park. Our meal was punctuated by the long lonesome whistle of a southbound freight towing a long line of cattle-cars. However, instead of mooing and pawing I heard cell-phone conversations. Were these greenhorn lobbyists on their way to Union Station?

Uh, okay. First off, they only cart in the interns that way. Lobbyists make too much money to take freight trains, except maybe the hobo lobby, and it's not really a profession for greenhorns. If you don't know anything about the sausage factory that is politics and are all wide-eyed and idealistic, you need to do your Hill internship, fuck a couple of senior staff guys who promise to help your career and then don't return phone calls and find out that your "step-up" is a $23,000/year job answering phones and dealing with angry constituents and bored lobbyists. Only when you realize that you can make no difference can you be truly let loose upon Washington to lobby.

Plus lobbyists blackberry way more than they use cell phones. Blackberrying means no one can hear your conversation and ruin your strategery, making cell phones so 1998.

I have been sent photos of a Republican Congressman having sex with underage male Baltic hookers brought in by Jack Abramoff to influence the vote of said congressman. What is the length of time that I have to store these pics? Is there a lobbyist industry standard duration for keeping this sort of stuff?

Well, the first thing to make sure of is that said Congressman hasn't yet already been indicted or isn't about to be. Because then you've definitely overpaid for those pictures, since you can get amateur gay porn for free on any of a number of sites you've undoubtedly already visited today and those twinks are way more attractive naked than any Congressman currently serving. Unless you're into old man sex, which I've already said I'm not. Gravity doesn't just take its toll on boobs, people.

The next real problem is that the lobbyist industry standard is to use that kind of blackmail to get something done, in much the way Abramoff got the dude the Baltic ass in the first place. However, and you may have seen the occasional story about this recently, the Republicans are no longer in control of either the House or the Senate. So you've basically got some pictures of an old man taking it in the rear that can't do you any good because said old man can't help you any more. The best thing to do is to hold onto them until the dude either retires or the Republicans regain power, neither of which seems likely to happen too soon. So, basically, just continue wanking it to those pictures. That's all they're really good for right now.

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