Ask a Lobbyist: Feelin' Feisty

Last week, we introduced you to our newest contributor, the mysterious and occasionally amoral Anonymous Lobbyist. She's back answering real-life questions from real-life people without real lives.


Something you'd like to know about Lobbying? Or anything else, really, we're not picky? Ask away, and we'll send your questions along.

This week's installment, after the jump, demonstrates once again the depravity of our readership. Enjoy!

Wow, um, okay, I'm going to start today with a little PSA. Seriously, I may be a happy little heathen, but you people are a little sicker than most. And the guy who asked me about the mustache rides from Jeff Birnbaum? Everyone knows that John Bolton is the go-to guy for those these days. Duh.

What's the most personally revolting thing you've ever done in order to secure some government support for your pimp employer?

Look, lobbying's not exactly Fear Factor. There aren't generally bugs involved, and chomping down on some animal's raw genitals basically guarantees that he isn't going to vote for my bill.

Maybe it's just my complete lack of (traditional) morals, but I've never had to do anything lobbying that I find personally revolting. I very rarely taste my own bile when talking with a Congress Member, staffer or Senator, and I haven't thrown up at work since right after lunch (and that was just because I have to fit into a fucking satin bridesmaid's dress this weekend). On the other hand, I obviously don't take my job particularly seriously, either. I suppose if I thought that our government was actually going to do something that mattered, then I might be slightly more horrified. It's not like my job makes the difference between whether more people die in Iraq or something. It's about whether I pay $1500 or $1505 in taxes next April. Whoo-hoo.

The only truly revolting thing I have to do on a daily basis involves kissing up to my own intensely stupid boss as I get lectured about the cover pages on my TPS reports for the third time. "Gosh, Mr. Lumberg, that's a lovely tie you're wearing today. You're right, I'll be sure to do it better next time. I hate to have caused you any trouble. Oops. Gosh, let me pick up that pencil for you." Now that's gross. Every day I ask myself -- who did he blow to get his job?

I am not on the political side of government, I am one of those contractors. So how do I get my own lobbyist who will ply me with liquor and try to bed me? ;-)

First off, I don't need to ply someone with liquor nor try to get them into bed. Did I use too many big words in the last column? The way this works is they ply me with liquor and try to bed me. It's all the thrill of the chase for them, as long as you feed their egos enough to keep them running. I just have to show a minimum of interest and wait for them to chase me.

If you want to get a woman to ply you with liquor to try to bed you, try being a professional athlete, model, or actor or something. Oh, wait, no special skills? Guess that's why you're a government contractor. Kinda like being a lobbyist, without the free booze or an office with windows.

But leave your winks on Match.com, man. You're freaking my ass out.

It seems times have changed on Capitol Hill. Now I am curious. Do lobbyists have to go down on Congress people to get their vote, or do Congress people have to go down on lobbyists to get their money?

Finally, someone catches on to the complete circle-jerk that is politics. An A to my favorite student.

It depends on the day, really. Today (and through November), it's all about trying to con me out of my (or my PAC's) money. 'Cause everyone knows they ain't going to do shit between now and November anyway. Maybe pass a budget, bullshit their way through a minimum wage increase that won't result in an actual minimum wage increase, you know, same old, same old. Everyone here's just prepping for the November lame duck, when they won't need our money and will be feeling feisty. When they feel feisty, you can hear the sound of lobbyists across Washington collectively slapping their foreheads and saying "D'oh!" It's like when they spent days debating gay marriage instead of doing actual work (and Rick, still think that'll save your seat? Oh, wait, guess not -- that's why anyone searching your site can't find a reference to it).

Is [my Congress member] as straight a shooter as [s/he] always claims to be back in [the] district?

Oh, how sweet. A constituent (or political opponent) writes in.

Um, hello, is your Congress member a politician? Running for office? Claiming to be an "outsider" to win an election this year? Then, no, s/he is not a "straight-shooter," cowboy, s/he's a politician. The two things are mutually exclusive.

In my PoliSci class in college, my professor took a survey -- would we rather our Congress member take a principled stand, or rely on polls to determine their positions on issues? Anyone want to take a guess on how the majority of people voted? Anyone? That's right, every single person in my class (except me, because, at the time, I said I'd rather someone disagree with me on principle then sell their soul, but that's irony for you) said they'd rather a politician vote for their constituents' views on various issues than have principles.

And that's your civics lesson for the day, people. Most of us would rather a politician vote the way we want them to vote than to have them vote their consciences. They know it. That's why they don't have principles -- because we don't want them to.

Class dismissed.

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