Ask a Lobbyist: Golf War

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: the all-important Union Station men's room conundrum.

So do lobbyists get any congressional page action, or is underage page-tail limited to congressmen?

I can't speak for other lobbyists, or a host of freaky female teachers, but, personally, younger men are not my speed. The acne, the occasional lack of attention to personal hygiene and the general too-eager-to-please puppy-dog like nature of teen boys combined with the polyester jackets that pages must wear work together in such a way as to render them completely sexually invisible to me. But with the plethora of former Members and Hill staffers in the lobbying world, I'm sure there are a few pervs among us who look and/or try. I can't speak to success, though- personally, at 16, men older than 21 who hit on me were mentally classified as freaky perverts (thanks, Mom!).

If you want to talk more broadly about Hill staffers, though, they don't just fuck each other. DC is such a small, incestuous town of sex-starved nerds that we spend plenty of time mating across career lines. Plus, as a certain mustachioed columnist has noted, there's plenty of back-and-forth, so it's in everyone's best interest to, um, get along with as many people as possible who can help you.

How do you manage to get places where lobbyists of the opposite gender can get to but you can't... like the men's room at Union Station?

Why would I want to go in the men's room? Seriously? You think Cassidy hangs out in a public men's room trolling for clients? And what man wants to talk business in a public restroom with his (quite possibly small) dick in his hands trying to force out urine, regardless of the gender of the other person?

The only real place men can go to get away from us girls is golfing, and plenty of female lobbyists golf these days, too. So, although I've chosen to focus exclusively on my drinking skills to "help my career," I could focus more on my golf if I were really committed to getting in somewhere that only men go. But I've heard you can't play golf well drunk, and I hate doing anything I can't do well, so I think I'll just stick to straight drinking. I can hire a good golfer, but my boss frowns on me hiring good drinkers.

Does blackmail have possibilities for lobbyists? Is it even worth doing?

Blackmail requires that a person be capable of being ruined by a revelation who is additionally willing to cooperate. So, I don't really think it would work to blackmail a Member. Too many Members have weathered sex scandals and bribery allegations and $90,000 in the freezer for blackmail threats to hold much water. Plus, if a blackmailing lobbyist was turned in, they're going to jail and not going to have a career when they get out. So, I'd stick to the ass-kissing and political donations- they're both legal and effective.

I'm a lobbyist and I just want take as many cute staffers as I can from my "To Do" list and add them to my "Just Got Done" list. What suggestions do you have? And don't give me any of that moral outrage or sense-of-purpose bullshit either - you know you have the same list too.

Having a list of staffers and a time frame is a sense of purpose, dude, even if it's not a higher one. But I fail to see the point of checking hotties off a list. While you're doggedly pursuing entries on your list, you're squandering other, possibly hotter opportunities. So, my advice is to throw out your list and pay attention to who is hitting on you -- it's that type of town. Any woman pursuing you is going to be way more fun in the end than one you have to convince, even if you like the pursuit.

How do these two statements make sense together? a) "Most men would be far more interested in what's below my neck than above" b) "the goal is to make a man feel the need to pay attention to what I'm saying to try and find out what's under the suit."

Actually, how do they not make sense together? I can't know what the overriding interest is going to be in me and then use that to my advantage? I fail to see the purpose in tromping around in turtlenecks year-round (not that they make my tits less prominent or inspire speculation about hickeys at all) and ill-fitting pantsuits. Who takes a really poorly-dressed woman seriously? They just inspire speculation that they're lesbians and derision from other women (with whom I work every day). Hooches look easy, stupid and disposable and additionally inspire derision from other women. I simply try to stay in the area between hooch (where men look and don't listen) and slob (where men neither look nor listen) and recognize the lesson I've been taught since I was 14- men like to look, and can be enticed to do things they wouldn't otherwise do (like, listen to me talk) if they think there's even a remote possibility of seeing/doing more. No sense in trying to unmake sexual politics when there are student loans to pay off.


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