Ask a Lobbyist: Needle In the Camel's Eye

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.


This week, our lobbyist finds God, then promptly loses Him again. Plus: can you get away with fucking that intern?

There seem to be many more people in Congress leading a "Christ-centered" lifestyle. Do you find it easier or harder to lobby such people versus the regular godless legislators?

What the hell is a "Christ-centered" lifestyle and what in the world could it have to do with politicians? Last time I read the Bible (always good to know what the charges might be when I get to old St. Pete), I'm pretty sure that Jesus pretty well eschewed money, material belongings, and political power to try to preach hippie shit like "Blessed are the meek". Well, most Congress Members have plenty of money and material belongings and have actively sought and fought to maintain political power -- and plenty of them are divorced and treat their staff and others pretty badly. So, I'm not really sure where any of them get off saying that they're living a "Christ-centered lifestyle," unless all that requires is that they get photographed at church, talk a bunch of shit about what God wants and try harder not to get caught screwing around on their wives?

On the other hand, this is America and very few politicians can be politicians and atheists (hell, even Socialist Bernie Sanders' bios say that he's Jewish). So they do all have to bow their heads and kneel at the place of worship of their choice (or their constituents' preference), even if they spend their time thinking about the new intern's naked tits or the blow job they got last night from their staff assistant. There are plenty around who talk about how Christian they are while telling poor Mr. Ellison that he should either take his oath with a Bible (thus, notably, invalidating the purpose of taking an oath, assholes) or stay out of our grand government and go back to Islamia or where ever he illegally immigrated from. Which seems ever so Christian to godless little me, but I guess Jesus these days is all for shitting over other people and making sure you're at the top of the heap. He is, after all, practically an American.

But, I am white and WASP-y looking, so, like usual, I just let those idiots project onto me their own ideals while pushing for my issue. It doesn't make it any different than lobbying any other Congress member, except that if they do make the play for a blow job, I can make the sad eyes and pull out Genesis 38 and if he keeps pushing, I can angrily whip out Exodus 20 and I don't have to be coy or worry about his feelings if I say no because I can both guilt trip him and play like I might if I wasn't such a good Christian girl. (And if you had to click the references, well, I guess that makes me better educated about your religion than you. Oh, and God hates Lance Armstrong because he's only got one nut. Suck on that for Christmas.)

Is it OK for a reporter to nail a staff intern? Does it happen more than I realize? Or is it a no-go zone? Can you get laid AND get scoops from the help?

Well, my personal advice would be to stick to the staff assistants, LCs or schedulers because they are guaranteed old enough to drink and have mostly been in D.C. long enough to know that if a guy nails you and asks about your boss he's not in it for the long-term, but they're not as jaded or bitter as the LAs, LDs or Chiefs of Staff. Some little honey in from Des Moines or Lawrence for a semester? She may be cute and up for the drunken sex, but you'll be dodging her calls for weeks after the hook-up and she'll burn you with anyone else you might either take down or get scoops from in the office.

But no, no hard and fast rules, other than the standard one that you shouldn't be some 40+ year old trying to pick up a 20 year old intern if you want to be viewed as having a shred of dignity. I mean, I know hope springs ever eternal in a man's crotch, but, please, try some reality with your cheap booze. Or at least stick to hitting on women your daughter's age when I'm around so that I might mercilessly mock you to the bartender and anyone else listening.

If you sleep with so many members of Congress to get legislation passed, and therefore get paid a lot of money, why don't you just become a high class prostitute? You could potentially make more money, and you'd have lobbying to fall back on. Wonkette could then have an "Ask a Hill Hooker" segment.

When I sleep with someone, it's because I choose to because I need to get laid, because I'm drunk (and need to get laid) or because I'm bored with the conversation (and think sex might possibly punctuate

that boredom). That it has potential career benefits is more of a bonus than the actual reason I do it.

Prostitutes can't exactly go around and be remotely choosy or, you know, get up and leave if the oral's bad. Plus, they mostly don't make that much money and they don't get to wear cashmere or real leather or anything. So, yeah, not so keen to hang up my Manolos for a paid of Lucite platforms, thanks. But I'll pass your new column idea onto Alex...

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