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Ask a Lobbyist: Ohio Players

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.


This week: The usual filth, plus Abraham Lincoln.

Let's say that you've got a huge piece of legislation pending that hinges on a single lawmaker, and s/he wants to do one or more of the following things with you. Which of these might you go

for?

a) Dirty Pierre

b) Washington Surprise

c) Jelly Donut

d) Donkey Slam [sic]

Having learned my lesson Googling random sex terms last time, I cranked my firewall up and attempted to figure out what this meant (and, Goddamn, this guy is one sick fucker). For even knowing what this means, let alone putting in print, I call upon women everywhere to continue denying this guy access to pussy.

But, to answer the question, I would be happy to punch just about any Congress member (c or d), I prefer to yank chest hair because it's easier to access without tipping a guy off in advance (a) and I don't tend to put myself in situations where (b) is likely to occur (regardless of which definition you're using).

But, frankly, while one madam may be out of business (for now), I seriously doubt that her arrest has ended the practice of the world's older profession in DC, and any guy, Congress member or otherwise, would be well advised to engage in the above actions with a seasoned professional (as my questioner is no doubt aware). I am not a seasoned professional in that sense, and I don't get paid enough to put up with that shit for a piece of legislation, which is unlikely to be reliant on one pervert's vote anyway. I'd have to care a hell of a lot more about my job or the legislation I'm paid to advocate to fuck someone strictly for a vote, which I don't.

And, for the record, any guy, Congress member or not, who tries the last 2 on me is going to be hearing from the cops quite quickly. Trying a little not-quite-consensual violent sex play is quite the reputation killer, even if it doesn't land a man in prison. Short of actual legal action, I would definitely tell every woman I know about a) and b), if not take out an ad in Roll Call. I have, in fact, more than once talked shit about some ex who sucked in bed as a public service to women everywhere. And, boys, for the record, begging for any specific sexual act is a) not attractive and b) the action least likely to get you what you desire.

Do you have a life? Both your schedule and your cynicism make it seem unlikely that you have much going on outside of work.

Um, not to belabor the obvious, but you're the one writing to random columnists on the Internet to insult them. How's life as a pot? I enjoy being a kettle myself.

Obviously, I find time to write this column, which is something I definitely do outside the office. And cynicism is really no obstacle to a social life in DC- hell, it's practically a requirement. With all the Hill staffers, lobbyists, lawyers and Wonkette readers running amok in this town, idealism just gets you fucked for the amusement of others. It's like a tattoo on the lower back. If you come to Washington as an idealist who thinks you'll find a nice man who works to live, well, there's plenty of nice-seeming guys more than willing to fuck that out of you. Being a workaholic whose alcoholism is enabled by her profession is not an impediment to a social life -- it's my way of connecting with other people.

Do you think Abraham Lincoln dealt with assholes like you?

Well, although I always heard that the term lobbyist originated with the Grant Administration (after Lincoln, FYI), NPR and the OED have come together to break apart the Willard Hotel and MSM conspiracy to blame the corruption-riddled Grant Adminstration with the birth of the lobbying profession, that blight on our Democracy. Well, suck this, Willard Hotel: the OED says that the term started in the 17th century in England, and the first time that it was actually a profession was in Ohio in the 1830s and had spread like a virus to Washington by the 1840s. Ohio: still home to corrupt politicians- two with bad hairpieces in this century alone!

So, yes, I guess he probably did deal with assholes like me. But I prefer to be called a bitch.

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