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Ask a Lobbyist: Wonder Twin Powers, Activate!

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask us.


This week: we asked for questions, and you guys delivered. There's enough creepy varations on "what do you look like naked" to last us 'til Christmas! Other pressing matters, after the jump.

Are you Curt Weldon's daughter? Good work if you can get it.

That would be good work, if he and she weren't both so insanely stupid as to get caught. I mean, this shit only works if it doesn't look as corrupt to the average American as it actually is, or if you can credibly claim a right- or left-wing conspiracy. Really, it's all about limiting yourself to one stupid thing at a time- you can hang with Serbian war criminals, or engage in a little nepotistic quid pro quo, or write wacked-out conspiracy theory books to get media attention, but engage in all three and you might as well put a target on your back and run around in the Pennsylvania woods around Thanksgiving.

But, no, I'm not her. I'd have made sure I was set up with a cute little summer home on the coast of the Adriatic with an open-ended plane ticket and would've been on the plane as soon as the story hit the papers (but before the cops hit my door). Or else I'd've already turned my creepy horndog daddy in and wouldn't've been served with a warrant -- once my money was kinda elsewhere. But that's what separates the good lobbyists/criminals from the mediocre ones who rely solely on nepotism.

How big are your boobies and do you find that the D gals are more effective lobbyists than the B gals?

My breasts are quite lovely, regardless of their size (not that you'll get to see 'em). When it comes to breasts -- unlike cocks -- size really doesn't matter. I mean, what man (Congress or otherwise) is stupid enough to complain if he gets to see them, let alone touch them? If he does pull that shit, my advice to women is to put your shirt back on, leave his place or make him leave yours and tell all your girls what a small and shriveled penis he had even if it was covered in warts.

However, one thing men and woman do have in common is that we (mostly) all find confidence attractive. So, A, B, C or D, the most effective female lobbyist is one who carries herself and her fabulous breasts with confidence and a hint of cleavage. If Bert and Ernie are too exposed, you look a little desperate and Congress members won't bother paying attention to a word you're saying because they're already getting the good show. You have to leave them wanting to see more, not feeling like they ought to tip. Men only give you stuff when they've got something yet to gain.

Why are young republican women who work on capitol hill always the easiest lay? And how often do lobbyists take advantage of that fact?

Well, just because Republican women are more likely to fuck you and your frat boy buddies, doesn't mean that Democrat women walk around with locked-up knees. I don't want to call Dem girls more discriminating or anything -- maybe it's just that the heterosexual sensitive artist types bailed when W. hit town? Who knows. Regardless, I don't know that lobbyists get to take advantage too much. I mean, on the scale of things, high-level staffers, Congress members and Administration appointees have more power, lawyers have more money and other staffers are in closer proximity. Lobbyists are kinda low on that particular scale. But, a good, wealthy lobbyist can probably get some kinda tail in a pinch. People who say that Washington is a sexless town haven't closed out too many bars on Penn Ave SE on a Thursday night -- you're only sexless if your standards are high (and if your standards are high, why live in D.C.?). But no one is checking voter reg cards at the door.

D's vs. R's: Which side has sexually propositioned you more often?

Technically, there are more Republicans around than Dems right now, so I'm going to guess Republicans. But I generally don't quiz a guy on his political affiliation after he makes a pass. What he does for a

living? Sure. But it's not like I whip out the little black book and record political affiliation -- that kinda puts a damper on the propositioning.

Who is sexier, Denny Hastert or Dick Cheney?

Oh, God, that's an easy one. Denny is so fat he hasn't seen his dick in 10 years even standing on a mirror. Even if Dick Cheney got that fat, he could still self-fellate. And, you know, he's got no hair on his balls to cause any odor because hair can't grow on steel. So, Dick, hands down.

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