Sean Hannity Exposes Maxine Waters As Murderer She Is

Sean Hannity Exposes Maxine Waters As Murderer She Is

Five people were brutally slain Thursday at the Capital Gazette newspaper office in Annapolis, Maryland. The killer was an asshole with a gun because it's always an asshole with a gun. During the resulting search for this gun-wielding asshole, professional asshole Sean Hannity stepped forward to crack the case wide open and produce what his hamster-wheel powered brain believed was the "real killer." (SPOILER ALERT!)

Wow! That's quite the twist there. US Rep. Maxine Waters has long advocated for sensible reforms and legislation that would keep guns out of the hands of assholes. I suppose that was all just a needlessly complicated method of directing suspicion away from her. I think I saw this on a "Law & Order: Criminal Intent."

Waters cleverly bolstered her alibi in advance by not spending a lot of the time she reclaims demonizing the media, which Hannity's BFF Donald Trump has done regularly ever since he won the presidency on a Russian game show.

Trump even holds regular rallies where he likes to whip up his loyal "super elite" supporters into a seething lynch mob and direct them in the media's general direction.

This is all just in fun, I guess. The "super elites" don't seem to take what Trump says that seriously.

This orgy of evidence against Trump might send even Sherlock Holmes to the wrong conclusion, but "world's greatest detective" Hannity thought about it very hard and determined it was "Ms. Waters, with all that talk of peaceful protest, in the Capitol Building." What gave her away? She's black! Let's hand it to Inspector Hannity!

The now completely exonerated Trump was then free to issue a truly tepid expression of human-shaped remorse.

Oh great! He's sending "thoughts and prayers." That's always useful, especially in the demonstrated absence of any other productive measure to prevent another vicious killing from taking place as early as next week. I doubt he's going to suggest arming journalists, which is usually the NRA's go-to solution/revenue generator, so he's really got nothing. I wonder how that went over with the survivors.

Whoa, lady, what's with the potty mouth? Yeah, you've been shot at and all, but there are kids (I guess?) watching CNN's coverage of yet another senseless act of gun violence in a supposed civilized nation. Look, we get you're upset, but your elected leaders, in whom we place a great deal of trust, are listening and I'm certainly will respond forcefully.

Huh? As a wise woman might say, "What the fuck is that?" Yeah, Senator Blow-Up Doll, who made the decision to sit back and do nothing while violent men (because it's usually always men) continue to access guns as easily as they do Big Macs? Right, it was spineless cowards like you, who prevent any reasonable form of gun control from becoming law and in return happily cash your allowance from the NRA, which has Ted Nugent on its board for Pete's sake.

Trump did get around to making a more polished, sympathy-resembling statement Friday afternoon, but whenever he tries to speak like a human being, he just sounds like he swallowed a bottle of Quaaludes.

Obviously, neither Trump nor Waters shot anyone Thursday, but the actual killer, whose name is not worth mentioning, had a grudge against the Capital Gazette, which he believed treated him unfairly. That sort of bitter self-involved resentment is pathetic in a private citizen but terrifying when encountered in the Twitter feed of the president of the United States. I don't imagine Trump will change anything about how he addresses the media or discusses them around his supporters, but for at least the immediate future, let's all appreciate what every journalist endures for our benefit.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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