We love you, Michael Avenatti! We love that you stand up for Stormy Daniels and never treat her like a punchline. We love that you use your celebrity to help reunite immigrant families ripped apart by the hell demons at ICE. We love that you're a trial lawyer from California who's steamrolling DC because you just DGAF! We really, really love you!
But also, CAN YOU NOT!
WHYWHYWHY??? is Hottie Avenatti, the Italian Stallion, always and forever Your Boyfriend considering a run for president in 2020?
True. But also what the fuck are you even talking about? Are you running for president of US America? Or the Land of Oz?
Next month Michael Avenatti will be at the Iowa "Wing Ding," an annual fundraiser that serves as a platform for Democratic hopefuls to strut their stuff in the state that (inexplicably!) casts the first presidential primary votes. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! The country is falling apart under a celebrity president with no experience governing, but now we're supposed to turn to a political neophyte as our savior? No, JUST NO.
Avenatti is a trial lawyer, so he's come up with a good counter-argument, and it is it takes a media whore to beat a media whore! WaPo reports,
If Mr. Trump is the opponent, and I still have serious questions as to whether he will be, the Democratic Party better be very careful in who they nominate to compete against him. The No. 1 question that needs to be asked is: Can the candidate beat Donald Trump? Because you can have all the political experience in the world and the greatest policy ideas of the last 100 years and if you can't beat Donald Trump, it doesn't mean anything.
Dammit, still no. The fact that Avenatti is more qualified that President Sundowner is not really the point -- so are at least 100 million other Americans. Governing is not a goddamn game!
And while we're on the subject, Michael, we have a bit of a bone to pick with you! What the fuck were you thinking approaching Michael Cohen at that restaurant last week? The first rule of legal ethics is DO NOT SPEAK TO OPPOSING PARTIES WHO ARE REPRESENTED BY COUNSEL. And yet CNN quotes Avenatti saying,
We had a very open, honest and frank discussion that I found to be extremely productive. It was lengthy. It was frank.
And now you're going on television talking about how you'd be happy to represent Michael Cohen yourself? Boy, are you outta your damn mind?
Not for nothing, but don't you represent Stormy Daniels who has multiple pending lawsuits against Mr. Cohen in California? And aren't you trying to intervene on her behalf in the possible criminal case against him in the Southern District of New York? And haven't you gone on television one or a thousand times and talked shit about Mr. Cohen and the viability of his claims?
And, oh by the way, isn't a lawyer's job to advocate zealously for his client, NOT to help him "do the right thing"?
But SURE! Conflicts schmonflicts!
For the record, we have serious doubts that this "lengthy and frank" discussion ever took place, since Michael Cohen's counsel isn't currently jumping up and down screaming about ex parte communications. But in any case, we'd appreciate if our thirsty boyfriend would SIT THE FUCK DOWN, prettyplease and concentrate on doing what he's good at, and that is "being pretty and making Donald Trump even more nuts."
We love you Boo, but the 2020 elections are going to be a hot mess without a charismatic noob muddying the waters.
DO NOT WANT!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.