We love you, Michael Avenatti! We love that you stand up for Stormy Daniels and never treat her like a punchline. We love that you use your celebrity to help reunite immigrant families ripped apart by the hell demons at ICE. We love that you're a trial lawyer from California who's steamrolling DC because you just DGAF! We really, really love you!

But also, CAN YOU NOT!

WHYWHYWHY??? is Hottie Avenatti, the Italian Stallion, always and forever Your Boyfriend considering a run for president in 2020?

True. But also what the fuck are you even talking about? Are you running for president of US America? Or the Land of Oz?

Next month Michael Avenatti will be at the Iowa "Wing Ding," an annual fundraiser that serves as a platform for Democratic hopefuls to strut their stuff in the state that (inexplicably!) casts the first presidential primary votes. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! The country is falling apart under a celebrity president with no experience governing, but now we're supposed to turn to a political neophyte as our savior? No, JUST NO.

Avenatti is a trial lawyer, so he's come up with a good counter-argument, and it is it takes a media whore to beat a media whore! WaPo reports,

If Mr. Trump is the opponent, and I still have serious questions as to whether he will be, the Democratic Party better be very careful in who they nominate to compete against him. The No. 1 question that needs to be asked is: Can the candidate beat Donald Trump? Because you can have all the political experience in the world and the greatest policy ideas of the last 100 years and if you can't beat Donald Trump, it doesn't mean anything.

Dammit, still no. The fact that Avenatti is more qualified that President Sundowner is not really the point -- so are at least 100 million other Americans. Governing is not a goddamn game!

And while we're on the subject, Michael, we have a bit of a bone to pick with you! What the fuck were you thinking approaching Michael Cohen at that restaurant last week? The first rule of legal ethics is DO NOT SPEAK TO OPPOSING PARTIES WHO ARE REPRESENTED BY COUNSEL. And yet CNN quotes Avenatti saying,

We had a very open, honest and frank discussion that I found to be extremely productive. It was lengthy. It was frank.

And now you're going on television talking about how you'd be happy to represent Michael Cohen yourself? Boy, are you outta your damn mind?

Not for nothing, but don't you represent Stormy Daniels who has multiple pending lawsuits against Mr. Cohen in California? And aren't you trying to intervene on her behalf in the possible criminal case against him in the Southern District of New York? And haven't you gone on television one or a thousand times and talked shit about Mr. Cohen and the viability of his claims?

And, oh by the way, isn't a lawyer's job to advocate zealously for his client, NOT to help him "do the right thing"?

But SURE! Conflicts schmonflicts!

For the record, we have serious doubts that this "lengthy and frank" discussion ever took place, since Michael Cohen's counsel isn't currently jumping up and down screaming about ex parte communications. But in any case, we'd appreciate if our thirsty boyfriend would SIT THE FUCK DOWN, prettyplease and concentrate on doing what he's good at, and that is "being pretty and making Donald Trump even more nuts."

We love you Boo, but the 2020 elections are going to be a hot mess without a charismatic noob muddying the waters.


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[WaPo / CNN]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Photo by Wonkette Operative 'Teecha'

If it's Sunday, this must be Nice Things, our weekly escape from the quotidian awfulness. Our featured doggo this week comes via a photo by Wonkette reader "Teecha," and we don't think Teecha mentioned a name for this lovely old rescue dog. If it is a dog at all: I think it may actually be one of Sia's more inventive disguises, like that time she was a little pony.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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