We love you, Michael Avenatti! We love that you stand up for Stormy Daniels and never treat her like a punchline. We love that you use your celebrity to help reunite immigrant families ripped apart by the hell demons at ICE. We love that you're a trial lawyer from California who's steamrolling DC because you just DGAF! We really, really love you!

But also, CAN YOU NOT!

WHYWHYWHY??? is Hottie Avenatti, the Italian Stallion, always and forever Your Boyfriend considering a run for president in 2020?

True. But also what the fuck are you even talking about? Are you running for president of US America? Or the Land of Oz?

Next month Michael Avenatti will be at the Iowa "Wing Ding," an annual fundraiser that serves as a platform for Democratic hopefuls to strut their stuff in the state that (inexplicably!) casts the first presidential primary votes. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! The country is falling apart under a celebrity president with no experience governing, but now we're supposed to turn to a political neophyte as our savior? No, JUST NO.

Avenatti is a trial lawyer, so he's come up with a good counter-argument, and it is it takes a media whore to beat a media whore! WaPo reports,

If Mr. Trump is the opponent, and I still have serious questions as to whether he will be, the Democratic Party better be very careful in who they nominate to compete against him. The No. 1 question that needs to be asked is: Can the candidate beat Donald Trump? Because you can have all the political experience in the world and the greatest policy ideas of the last 100 years and if you can't beat Donald Trump, it doesn't mean anything.

Dammit, still no. The fact that Avenatti is more qualified that President Sundowner is not really the point -- so are at least 100 million other Americans. Governing is not a goddamn game!

And while we're on the subject, Michael, we have a bit of a bone to pick with you! What the fuck were you thinking approaching Michael Cohen at that restaurant last week? The first rule of legal ethics is DO NOT SPEAK TO OPPOSING PARTIES WHO ARE REPRESENTED BY COUNSEL. And yet CNN quotes Avenatti saying,

We had a very open, honest and frank discussion that I found to be extremely productive. It was lengthy. It was frank.

And now you're going on television talking about how you'd be happy to represent Michael Cohen yourself? Boy, are you outta your damn mind?

Not for nothing, but don't you represent Stormy Daniels who has multiple pending lawsuits against Mr. Cohen in California? And aren't you trying to intervene on her behalf in the possible criminal case against him in the Southern District of New York? And haven't you gone on television one or a thousand times and talked shit about Mr. Cohen and the viability of his claims?

And, oh by the way, isn't a lawyer's job to advocate zealously for his client, NOT to help him "do the right thing"?

But SURE! Conflicts schmonflicts!

For the record, we have serious doubts that this "lengthy and frank" discussion ever took place, since Michael Cohen's counsel isn't currently jumping up and down screaming about ex parte communications. But in any case, we'd appreciate if our thirsty boyfriend would SIT THE FUCK DOWN, prettyplease and concentrate on doing what he's good at, and that is "being pretty and making Donald Trump even more nuts."

We love you Boo, but the 2020 elections are going to be a hot mess without a charismatic noob muddying the waters.


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[WaPo / CNN]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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