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Dispatches from the Trumperverse


Once again, we have another dispatch from the Trumperverse, the parallel universe in which Donald Trump is a very respectful and humble person, who is totally going to win this election. As we mentioned the last time we visited this strange and unusual place, many Trump supporters believe that it is UNPOSSIBLE that Trump is losing in the polls here in the Regularverse, because he has so many people at his rallies, and that is how you figure out who is winning in the Trumperverse.

Now, there are MANY theories in the Trumperverse about why Trump is losing in the polls in the Regularverse. One that is especially popular (and espoused by Trump himself and also the Weird Dilbert Guy Scott Adams) is that Trump voters -- despite being manly alpha men who don't play your political correctness reindeer games -- lie and say they are voting for Clinton because they are too embarrassed to tell the disembodied voices of pollsters they will never meet that they love Trump.

Another theory gaining traction is the one about how Trump is actually WINNING, but all the polls are "skewed" to make it look like he is not winning, in order to discourage his voters, and to also make it look less suspicious when they rig the election to make Clinton win even though Trump will actually get 100% of all the votes. Or something! This is all part of an elaborate conspiracy involving all of "the media," the DNC, the Illuminati, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, the Rothschilds, those Bohemian Grove people, the Queen, the Vatican, the progeny of Colonel Sanders, Tupac (still not dead) and also whoever it is that is in charge of mind-controlling us with fluoride and chemtrails for the purpose of convincing us that the earth is not really flat. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH!

According to a recent poll from Public Policy Polling, 69% of Trump voters believe that if Clinton wins the elections will have been rigged. And 40 percent of them think it will be rigged by ACORN, which does not even exist anymore! And didn't do that kind of stuff to begin with, at all! For any reason!

However! One brave polling data site has taken it upon itself to UNSKEW THE POLLS. Just like they did for Mitt Romney back in 2012, when they proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mitt was actually winning in all the polls, and then Mitt Romney totally won the election and is president now. That site is Longroom.com, and -- according to their unskewing of the polls -- Donald Trump is actually WINNING by 0.6 percent! Which is pretty impressive given that the RealClearPolitics average has Clinton beating him by 7.5 percent!

And, uh, FiveThirtyEight's polls-only data is saying this:

And their now cast (if the election were held today) is saying this...

And SURE. Nate Silver is pretty much a whiz at the election predicting business, but if he's not saying that Trump is winning, how can Trump supporters trust what he has to say? Luckily, according to Longroom's data, literally all of the polls -- including Rasmussen -- are biased in Hillary's favor, so they must "correct" them based on how biased they are. What do the corrected versions say? Well, that Donald Trump is WINNING of course! It is like magic!

This is all very convenient, actually. Because Trump has been all "I love winning! I'm so good at winning! YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE SO SICK OF WINNING! YOU WILL BARF UP WINNING!" during this campaign, so it looks pretty darn awkward for him when all of the polls and infographics show that he is, in fact, losing.

And sure! He is losing in the Regularverse. He is losing very badly, and continues to lose more every time he opens his loser mouth! But that doesn't mean that he won't win in the Trumperverse, and all the little Trumpkins will be able to finally say every mean thing they ever wanted to on Facebook without anyone ever calling them a jerk, and kick out all the Mexicans and the Muslims by walking up to them and going "I'm a REAL AMERICAN and I BANISH you!" and Mexico will pay for the wall and all the manufacturing jobs will come back from overseas and they will pay just like they did back when unions were still a thing but out of the goodness of their hearts rather than because of collective bargaining, and also it will be very cool and chic to use racial epithets, and everyone will laugh at their jokes.

[Longroom | FiveThirtyEight | Real Clear Politics]

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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