Baby Panda Eats, Shoots, Please Don't Leave
It's been brought to our attention that the Sichuan Wolong Panda Protection and Breed Center now has SIXTEEN BABY PANDAS. To be sure, they all probably have dumb Chinese panda cub names, like "Happy Fuzzy Cat-Bear," and "Gurgling Mammal" and "A Little Piece of Something Very Black and White," and none of them is the Stick, but it begs the question: WHY DO THEY WANT HIM BACK? We have one baby panda. His name is Butterstick. Not only do the Chinese clearly have more than they need, but in two years, the Stick will be an xBox-playing panda teen (Six fingers! He'll totally dominate.) in baggy shorts, playing the Strokes on his iPod so loud he won't listen to instructions on how to use chopsticks or honor his mother and father. Keep the American panda in America. Already he complains that "no one gets my Arcade Fire references." Imagine how lonely he'll feel if no one else around can quote the first season of "Arrested Development."
Clearing a few things up [the butterstick blog]