Barack Obama Is A Puppet Of The Cuban Dictatorship, LITERALLY
SEE? A LITERAL PUPPET!
Hey, did you hear that our president, the great Kenyo-nesian dictator Barack Of Obama, took his whole family to Cuba, thus destroying America and making Jesus sad? It happened!
Tuesday morning, President Obama will give what is being billed as a historic speech, laying out his Obamunistical vision for Cuba:
President Barack Obama will use an historic speech in Havana next week to lay out a vision of greater freedoms and more economic opportunity in Cuba ... offering a glimpse of how the president hopes to use his trip to encourage change on the communist island.
Obama's speech on Tuesday at the Grand Theater of Havana will mark a moment that seemed unimaginable only a few years ago, before Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro moved to restore relations between the two estranged countries.
It's not all going to be Havana-style hopey changey Kenyan usurper bullhockey, though, as Obama is expected to address the tragic terrorist attacks in Brussels as well.
While we're waiting for that, here's a little round-up of all the Cuban funtimes Obama had on Monday:
UH OH OBAMA IS FOR REAL CASTRO'S PUPPET.
So! During a joint presser with Cuban leader Raúl Castro on Monday, it was accidentally (whoops!) revealed that the president of America is literally a puppet of the Cuban government. See that thing above? PUPPET.
Except no. What REALLY happened is that Castro tried to trick Obama into a sort of "unity pose" photo-op, and it didn't go well ... for Castro.
Of course, there are people out there like Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft absolutely glee-sharting their Depends over how President Limp-Wrist caved to Castro, but that's because they're morons.
Here, have a whole video:
Um, Wonkette, we clearly see Obama making a fish wrist and embarrassing America for at least two million centuries?
Well, you see, Barry Bamz had A LOT of fun during his joint presser with Castro. First of all, do you even realize that "press conferences" are not actually a thing in Cuba? This was huuuuuuuge. And it was on live Cuban TV too! Moreover, Obama let American journalists ask Castro RIGHT TO HIS FACE about Cuba's dirty little habit of imprisoning political dissidents. Here, let Politico splain you about how our president just loves to use the press to stick it to oppressive governments:
Monday afternoon here in Havana, he did it to Raúl Castro, right in the Revolutionary Palace, letting him be pressed with questions for the first time — ever — and joining in himself. And not just that: He had to answer for the political prisoners whom the government rounds up almost daily — yet denies even exist. [...]
First he stood, eyes blinking as he listened to Obama take several questions from CNN’s Jim Acosta. Then Castro took a long drink of water and coughed theatrically as the reporter, whose father had left Cuba, turned to address the Cuban leader in Spanish. Smirking at Acosta’s pronunciation, Castro leaned into the lectern as Acosta asked him about political prisoners.
As Obama continued ticking through his answers, Castro called an aide onstage and conferred with him at length. Obama kept answering his question, but his eyes started to flit to his left.
“Excuse me —” Obama said, his disbelief immediately becoming mocking. White House officials tensed. Castro looked back at Acosta, pretending as though the later question hadn’t been for him.
“Second one was to you,” Obama said, prodding Castro along [...]
Finally, Castro relented and asked Acosta to repeat his question about political prisoners, then cut off the reporter, his right hand chopping the air.
“Give me a list of the political prisoners and I will release them. Just mention names,” Castro said. “If we have those political prisoners, they will be released before the night ends.”
And so much more! Go visit our friends at Politico for the whole story, so they can win the morning on pageviews or whatever.
Show us the picture The Daily Caller is shart-flooding its Garanimals over.
[contextly_sidebar id="UPK1sEKqG3hPjO7hYCHUsb6geXNGXisH"]Tucker Carlson's Home For Syrian Refugee Porn is GRRRR MAD about how Obama was in this picture, and OMG there is a Che Guevara mural in the background, because it's so hard to find those in Cuba and, and, and! Anyhow, wingnuts are doing fury-poops over this one:
Who the fuck cares?
Tucker Carlson's impotent dick tears care. And that's all that matters.
That picture of Barry Bamz posing next to that painting of Donald Trump's shriveled yak spleen of a dick. Where is it?
It's fake, sadface. But here it is anyway. We like it and we bet Barry likes it too.
Did Obama shoot rainbows out of his hand and make the whole nation gay?
[contextly_sidebar id="TSKFwxgdFAtOHSEidxYYafw4VfxsLSvW"]No, he did that in Jamaica last year. Keep up, you fools. According to the United States Constitution, no president is allowed to make more than one Caribbean nation gay in a single presidential term, so Cuba's out of luck:
Tell us about the shoes, we bet there is First Family Shoe News from this trip.
Yes! The Huffington Post has a journalism splainer on how Sasha and Malia Obama were wearing more formal shoes with their dresses but they put on some sneakers, because #teenagers and also you need comfortable shoes when your dad is surrendering America to the commies.
How about a pic of Malia Obama saying Spanish translations for her dear old dad, because KIDS THESE DAYS with their capacity for saying Spanishes!
Here is one! According to White House photog Pete Souza's Instagram, they are at a restaurant in Old Havana!
How about a pic of Sexy Bamz looking Sexy in Old Havana, to end this post real Sexy?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
[contextly_sidebar id="gSDUdPTCylq6dCGKD30rRZMvyESfyo5S"]Good job, Cuba-ing, Barry! Which semi-hostile world leader you gonna fuck up next, by being a badass? Is it Justin Trudeau of Canada? Pfffffft, he's not "semi-hostile," unless you want him to be, grrrrowwwwwwwl.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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