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Barry Would Love To See You In September

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Vay-cay-shun, all he ever wan-ted! Va-ca-tion, haaaaad to geeet awaaaaay! These are lyrics from an ancient funeral dirge that Barack Obama never sang or thought of while on vacation, probably, even though this was a hit song when he was in high school, in Kenya. Anyway, he's backsies from the Vineyard just in time for Hurricane Earl to destroy the white-devil holiday isle, so let's see what our Dear Sexy Leader did this week! In place of our conscience, ABC's Jake Tapper will be our guide.


On Monday, Barry hung out in his brand-new Barbie Dream Oval Office, complete with boring colors and no Laura Bush-designed sunburst carpet. What a relief not to have to see Laura's rug every morning and every evening! Though President George W. Bush did describe her carpet as "inspiring" and also "so fucking tight."

On Tuesday, President Awesomepants made some speech about the Iraq, or something. Robert Gibbs's non-BFFs on the Professional Left flipped the fuck out because Bamz said something non-hateful about George W. Bush, which they cannot handle because when you are an extremist, everything is either Correct or So Fucking Wrong. This is why I am joining the Modern Whig Party.

On Wednesday, Bam Bam and Bibi got all up on the White House porch and announced that it was bad when people kill people. Specifically, when Arab people kill Israeli people. This staggering change in position blew everyone's fucking minds all over the White House colonnade, which meant Rahm Emanuel had to spend the better part of Tuesday up on a rickety old ladder, wiping brains and gore off an otherwise-lovely Neoclassical facade. While he did so, the ghost of Benjamin Henry Latrobe appeared and challenged Rahm to a dance-off. Rahm said, "Fuck yourself, I OWN dance" and did a pirouette so stunning that Latrobe was immediately sucked back to the Great Beyond, screaming all the while, "I added on the colonnades but really James Hoban designed the White House!" Then everyone learned a valuable lesson about Truth.

Meanwhile, the United States government continued to ignore what happens when Israelis (and their BFFsies) kill A-rabs. This is because dead children do not count if the bombs and rockets and magic guns that killed them were purchased with a Wal-Mart gift certificate from the U.S., so HOORAY! Peace is imminent!

On Thursday, Bammerz's Justice Department sued Arizona's Biggest Known Douche (Brewer is an angel compared to this jackhole,) Sheriff Joe Arpaio, "for allegedly refusing to cooperate with a federal investigation into accusations the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office discriminates against Hispanics." Arpaio says he is "America's toughest sheriff," and probably he was hatefucking a child-size burrito and chanting his personal slogan when he got the news about the case.

Now it is Friday, and this morning Bam Bam made Jake Tapper mad by neglecting to mention a net job loss of 54,000 in August. This is mostly due to Census workers going gentle into that good night, heading back to their mansions in Boca after enjoying a nice few months knocking on the doors of drunk and belligerent Fellow Americans who couldn't be bothered to fill out one freaking form.

That's all for this week! If you live on the East Coast, enjoy your fuckstorm, Earl. If you live on the West Coast, enjoy your proximity to earthquakes, in Thailand.

Oh! And one more thing? I think Meg McCabe seems like a fun gal and I'm going to buy her book this weekend. I'm not even kidding. SUCK ON THAT YOU MONSTERS, YOU HATEFUL DEATH MONSTERS.

Sara Benincasa is basically neighbors with Meghan McCain so why can't they be friendsies and hang out and brush each other's hair or whatever? Why is everyone so fucking mean?

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