Be Biblically Correct Between The Sheets With These Duck Dynasty Sex Tips!
Great American Thinker Phil Robertson has some important advice on how to stay healthy, avoid the crotch rot, and have a satisfying sects life:
“Biblically correct sex is safe,” Robertson said during a sermon in West Monroe, Louisiana last month. “It’s safe. You’re not going to get chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS -- if you, if a man marries a woman, and neither of you have it, and you keep your sex between the two of you, you’re not going to get ever sexually transmitted diseases.”
Robertson went on to blame “orthodox liberal opinion” for the spread of “debilitating diseases” around the U.S. and the world and accused his audience of being -- like himself -- “sexually immoral” at some point in their lives.
“Man meets woman, marries her, keeps his sex right there,” he said. “The children come, the chances of them getting a sexually transmitted disease, would you say is almost zero? You can say it.”
That's pretty hilarious, considering that syphilis has been around for centuries, long before any American liberals -- although it does appear that syphilis may have originally spread from the Americas to Europe after Columbus visited, so maybe we can blame the socialist Native Americans, who got the worst of the trans-Atlantic pathogen trade anyway. But yes, from a purely perfect-world view, total premarital abstinence for both partners, plus monogamy, would indeed result in no STD's. Unfortunately, the entire history of Christian sexual morality has pretty much been a conflict between "ought to" and "actually," as seen in the oft-retried case of What I Say v. What I Do.
Also, just for laughs, there's this map of chlamydia infection rates from 2012, which seems to suggest that maybe the Bible Belt has some difficulty keeping its pants on:
Gonorrhea cases are also highest in the South, while those hippies in the Pacific Northwest seem to be pretty good at safer sex. The low infection rates in Montana, Idaho, and
Colorado Wyoming [We are dum] suggest mostly that the old myths are wrong -- you don't get gonorrhea from sheepfucking.
Syphilis, once nearly eliminated, is making a comeback, although the regional clusters aren't quite as dramatic as for chlamydia and gonorrhea:
Hmmm... lookie there: Louisiana, Phil Robertson's home state, and the place where he gave his sermon, is a raw shade of red on all three maps. Son of a gun, must be TONS of liberals there! And don't even get us started on teen pregnancies... mostly because the teens in states with "abstinence-only" sex ed have already started quite early enough, thank you.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.