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Great American Thinker Phil Robertson has some important advice on how to stay healthy, avoid the crotch rot, and have a satisfying sects life:


“Biblically correct sex is safe,” Robertson said during a sermon in West Monroe, Louisiana last month. “It’s safe. You’re not going to get chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS -- if you, if a man marries a woman, and neither of you have it, and you keep your sex between the two of you, you’re not going to get ever sexually transmitted diseases.”

Robertson went on to blame “orthodox liberal opinion” for the spread of “debilitating diseases” around the U.S. and the world and accused his audience of being -- like himself -- “sexually immoral” at some point in their lives.

“Man meets woman, marries her, keeps his sex right there,” he said. “The children come, the chances of them getting a sexually transmitted disease, would you say is almost zero? You can say it.”

That's pretty hilarious, considering that syphilis has been around for centuries, long before any American liberals -- although it does appear that syphilis may have originally spread from the Americas to Europe after Columbus visited, so maybe we can blame the socialist Native Americans, who got the worst of the trans-Atlantic pathogen trade anyway. But yes, from a purely perfect-world view, total premarital abstinence for both partners, plus monogamy, would indeed result in no STD's. Unfortunately, the entire history of Christian sexual morality has pretty much been a conflict between "ought to" and "actually," as seen in the oft-retried case of What I Say v. What I Do.

Also, just for laughs, there's this map of chlamydia infection rates from 2012, which seems to suggest that maybe the Bible Belt has some difficulty keeping its pants on:

Gonorrhea cases are also highest in the South, while those hippies in the Pacific Northwest seem to be pretty good at safer sex. The low infection rates in Montana, Idaho, and Colorado Wyoming [We are dum] suggest mostly that the old myths are wrong -- you don't get gonorrhea from sheepfucking.

Syphilis, once nearly eliminated, is making a comeback, although the regional clusters aren't quite as dramatic as for chlamydia and gonorrhea:

Hmmm... lookie there: Louisiana, Phil Robertson's home state, and the place where he gave his sermon, is a raw shade of red on all three maps. Son of a gun, must be TONS of liberals there! And don't even get us started on teen pregnancies... mostly because the teens in states with "abstinence-only" sex ed have already started quite early enough, thank you.

[CNS News via RawStory / LiveScience]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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