Behold, The Gleeful Face Of Mike Pence As He Screws Planned Parenthood
You see that face right there? That is a face of a man who is swelling with joy after casting the tie-breaking vote allowing states to block federal family-planning grants to Planned Parenthood. That is a man who is literally tickled thinking about all the women who will no longer have access to affordable reproductive care. He's got visions of sugarplums and rising maternal death rates dancing in his head!
In that little glimmer in his eyes, Mike Pence is dreaming of all the unmarried sex-havers who are finally not going to escape God's rightful punishment for their sins -- whether it comes in the form of untreated sexually transmitted infections or in the form of a baby they don't want and can't afford. At least in the really holy states.
Maybe then they will finally learn to do things the proper way. The Mike Pence way. Where you marry a lady and she stays with you at all times to make sure you don't have a drink and accidentally fall and slip your dick into the first other lady you see. A lady who knows just how those Pink Squirrels affect you. You know, real romance. Godly romance.
Several states have tried to defund Planned Parenthood, on account of how they don't know how anything works and thus think that funding Planned Parenthood means funding abortions. Now, they will finally have their chance! It is a true victory for the poorly informed!
Pence got his chance to break the tie only because two lady Republicans, Sens. Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski, voted against Joni Ernst's bill titled, richly, the "Protect Funding For Women's Health Care Act." Which means I am a hell of a lot more keen on them right now than the Democrat dudebro who wrote that idiot New York Times essay about how Democrats need to stop trying to keep abortion all legal and such.
But you know who is not so keen on them right now? It is Mallory Quigley, of the Susan B. Anthony List! You know, the organization that disingenuously suggests that Susan B. Anthony was fiercely against legal abortions based on a few vague quotes that don't really even have anything to do with legal abortions, which did not exist as an option when she was alive? And who insist that their interpretation of these quotations have merely "escaped" actual scholars? Yeah. Those people. She is with them.
“This is an opportunity to return to the people the right to prioritize how taxpayer dollars are spent,” said Mallory Quigley, a spokeswoman for the anti-abortion Susan B. Anthony List. Collins and Murkowski are “missing out on the opportunity to stand up for comprehensive women’s health care.”
OH, ARE THEY NOW?
When Texas defunded Planned Parenthood, you know where they put a lot of that Title X money? Towards "Crisis Pregnancy Centers." You know what Crisis Pregnancy Centers often don't have? ACTUAL DOCTORS WORKING THERE.
I'm sorry, but how is anyone getting "comprehensive women's health care" from places with no doctors? Where they have people with literally no medical training looking at your sonogram and confusing an IUD with a baby? Yes, let's funnel lots of Title X money to these untrained "counselors" so they can lie to you about how bad abortions are! Surely, that is a great use of our family planning budget. And definitely, a great example of comprehensive women's health care.
This is just the first piece of legislation targeting Planned Parenthood and reproductive health care, and it won't be the last. Get ready for good times ahead.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse