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Being Hillary Clinton's Aide Officially Most Baller Job Ever

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You know, we didn't really think anyone could out-H.A.M. Chris Christie today after dude justUNLOADED on Boehner in a delightful epic of epicness presser after Boehner cockblocked the Sandy relief bill. That was before we learned about one Mr. Philippe Reines who, despite having sort of a wussy Frenchy name, is our new god.


Remember way back before Christmas, which is now aeons ago, when Hillary faked her concussion to get out of testifying about the greatest loss of American life since ever, aka BENGHAAAAAZIIIII? And remember what untrammeled dicks the on-air people at Fox were about speculating about such fakery? Apparently the terrible behavior was in no way limited to their on-air personalities, as evidenced by the opposite-of-illustrious Justin Fishel's question at a State Department press briefing shortly after the announcement Hillary would be unable to testify:

QUESTION: Toria, can you expand on why Secretary Clinton can’t testify on Thursday about this? It seems that she has not been available to testify on the Benghazi situation on some very key dates, including the Sunday after 9/11 and now this Thursday.

Oh, SNAP! You know Justin was feeling all chuffed for his super incisive AND insightful bit of insinuation theater there! Good boy! At the presser, the State Department spokeswoman answered with some politeness about how Hillz was really planning on testifying and for reals was ill. Our boy Philippe was having none of it, though, and sent the Fox producer the single greatest follow-up email ever:

Justin –

We owe you an apology. And I’m adding Bryan [a high-level Foxflack] so he’s aware of how badly we erred. I’m almost embarrassed to even admit this – but somehow your question at today’s Daily Press Briefing was somehow completely mauled and transcribed in the release below this way:

“Toria, can you expand on why Secretary Clinton can’t testify on Thursday about this? It seems that she has not been available to testify on the Benghazi situation on some very key dates, including the Sunday after 9/11 and now this Thursday.”

I just called them and read them the riot act for putting such misleading, accusatory, and absolutely asinine words in your mouth. Because after what we and her doctors explained over the weekend regarding her health, you couldn’t possibly have been insinuating the ulterior motives that question implies. No way. No credible journalist would do that without any basis whatsoever.

We would like to shake your hand, Mr. Philippe Reines. We snark from a distance, but you got to send that epic piece of snark first-hand to the asshole that asked the question. WHAT WE WOULDN'T GIVE. We are reminded, however, this isn't Frenchy's first time at the yelling-at-reporters rodeo, as he went all-the-fucking-way off at Buzzfeed's Michael Hastings a few months ago with yet another amazeballs email:

I now understand why the official investigation by the Department of the Defense as reported by The Army Times The Washington Post concluded beyond a doubt that you're an unmitigated asshole.

How's that for a non-bullshit response?

Now that we've gotten that out of our systems, have a good day.

And by good day, I mean Fuck Off

If government work means we can call people unmitigated assholes AND tell them to fuck off AND tell them they're terrible at their job, we want in.

[WaPo]

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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