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Being Hillary Clinton's Aide Officially Most Baller Job Ever

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You know, we didn't really think anyone could out-H.A.M. Chris Christie today after dude justUNLOADED on Boehner in a delightful epic of epicness presser after Boehner cockblocked the Sandy relief bill. That was before we learned about one Mr. Philippe Reines who, despite having sort of a wussy Frenchy name, is our new god.


Remember way back before Christmas, which is now aeons ago, when Hillary faked her concussion to get out of testifying about the greatest loss of American life since ever, aka BENGHAAAAAZIIIII? And remember what untrammeled dicks the on-air people at Fox were about speculating about such fakery? Apparently the terrible behavior was in no way limited to their on-air personalities, as evidenced by the opposite-of-illustrious Justin Fishel's question at a State Department press briefing shortly after the announcement Hillary would be unable to testify:

QUESTION: Toria, can you expand on why Secretary Clinton can’t testify on Thursday about this? It seems that she has not been available to testify on the Benghazi situation on some very key dates, including the Sunday after 9/11 and now this Thursday.

Oh, SNAP! You know Justin was feeling all chuffed for his super incisive AND insightful bit of insinuation theater there! Good boy! At the presser, the State Department spokeswoman answered with some politeness about how Hillz was really planning on testifying and for reals was ill. Our boy Philippe was having none of it, though, and sent the Fox producer the single greatest follow-up email ever:

Justin –

We owe you an apology. And I’m adding Bryan [a high-level Foxflack] so he’s aware of how badly we erred. I’m almost embarrassed to even admit this – but somehow your question at today’s Daily Press Briefing was somehow completely mauled and transcribed in the release below this way:

“Toria, can you expand on why Secretary Clinton can’t testify on Thursday about this? It seems that she has not been available to testify on the Benghazi situation on some very key dates, including the Sunday after 9/11 and now this Thursday.”

I just called them and read them the riot act for putting such misleading, accusatory, and absolutely asinine words in your mouth. Because after what we and her doctors explained over the weekend regarding her health, you couldn’t possibly have been insinuating the ulterior motives that question implies. No way. No credible journalist would do that without any basis whatsoever.

We would like to shake your hand, Mr. Philippe Reines. We snark from a distance, but you got to send that epic piece of snark first-hand to the asshole that asked the question. WHAT WE WOULDN'T GIVE. We are reminded, however, this isn't Frenchy's first time at the yelling-at-reporters rodeo, as he went all-the-fucking-way off at Buzzfeed's Michael Hastings a few months ago with yet another amazeballs email:

I now understand why the official investigation by the Department of the Defense as reported by The Army Times The Washington Post concluded beyond a doubt that you're an unmitigated asshole.

How's that for a non-bullshit response?

Now that we've gotten that out of our systems, have a good day.

And by good day, I mean Fuck Off

If government work means we can call people unmitigated assholes AND tell them to fuck off AND tell them they're terrible at their job, we want in.

[WaPo]

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Robbin Young. Fair use so we can all see the boob picture she sent to her 12 true loves.

Robbin Young starred in the Roger Moore masterpiece For Your Eyes Only as the seventh female lead, "Girl in Flower Shop." She also starred in a bunch of Playboys, and the DM's of a humble Romanian hacker who stole her heart. But he was not a humble Romanian hacker, he was 12 Russian military intelligence officers in a trench coat. And now Young has shared those DMs and pictures of her buzzies with the Sun, because that's the one that's fookin' classy.

See how she loved! See how Guccifer ghosted her ass! See how she loves him (them) still! See how she was all up in Seth Rich and shit! (We think Young's judgment might not be awesome.) Also she wrote this "erotic poem," and we're going to need you to read it.

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And now it is time for your weekly reminder that in the Trump era, FUCKING APESHIT OUTRAGE WORKS.

On Monday, Donald Trump, the transactional president who for some godforsaken reason sees Vladimir Putin has his one true father, discussed making an Art Of The Deal with Russia that involved letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian spies who hacked America in 2016 (with Russian supervision, of course, in Russia) in exchange for sending Putin whichever American citizens hurt Putin's poor fragile butthurt pansy-ass feelings the past several years. One of Putin's targets is Michael McFaul, the former ambassador to Russia, whom Putin just hates. Hillary Clinton isn't on the official list yet, but give it a few weeks.

On Wednesday, Sarah Huckabee Sanders looked at reporters and told them Trump's people were considering the idea, but hadn't decided yet, because it's so hard for the Trump administration to decide how many treasons to do per week.

But hooray! The White House has decided that, after literally every American with a patriotic bone in his or her body said, "THE FUCK YOU SAY," they will not send Americans to Putin's gulag after all. The Washington Post reports:

The White House announced Trump's opposition Thursday as the Senate prepared to vote on a resolution telling the president not to honor Putin's request, which would have exposed former U.S. ambassador Michael McFaul, among others, to Russian questioning.

"It is a proposal that was made in sincerity by President Putin, but President Trump disagrees with it," White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement.

Oh my fucking Lord, Shuckabee, did you really type that Putin's offer was "sincere," or did Donald grab the statement after you finished with it and add those words in illiterate Sharpie in the margins, along with "DOES NOT MEAN PUTIN IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND" and "NO COLLUSION"?

By the way, that resolution passed the Senate with flying colors:

WOMP WOMP, Trump! Sorry American freedom and democracy stepped all over your dick again! Guarantee it's gonna happen again! Go fuck yourself! Enjoy the 48 Big Macs you have for dinner tonight! Don't talk directly into the soccer ball Putin gave you, 'less you want it to talk back to you in Russian!

OK post over.

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[Washington Post]

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