Ben Carson will point at that lady and sneer at that lady and tell her to ZIP HER TRAP.

It's time for CRAZY VIDEO FRIDAY, which is a thing we made up just now. Ben Carson decided to make another attempt to be a good little Trump surrogate and explain why women and men and children and ducks and cows and EVERYBODY ELSE should not be disgusted by allegations that pussy-grabber Donald Trump grabbed all the pussies. In his previous attempt, you'll remember, Dr. Carson The Brain Surgeon was defending Trump's original grabby comments, and said maybe people wouldn't be so bothered by Trump bragging about sexual assault if they'd just listen to some more people bragging about sexual assault. Ben Carson is not good at saying stuff.

Well! On MSNBC's program "Joe And Mika Playfight About Politics" Friday morning, Carson did a do-over, and sweet lord it did not go well. Try to follow along with this transcript if you can:



KATTY KAY: You seem to be suggesting this morning in this interview with your description of the first class cabin [Trump surrogates are all becoming "armrest truthers," saying Trump couldn't diddle-grope that lady because "armrests." This is untrue. - Ed.] and in previous interviews that these women are lying. The real reason that women who have been sexually abused don't come forward to talk about their stories is precisely this: that all too often they are accused of being liars. Are you saying that these women are lying?

FAIR QUESTION. Respond, Dr. Carson:

CARSON: That's your characterization, because you need to characterize it that way, to try to make me the bad guy. But here's the fact ...


KAY: No, you just said ...

CARSON: No no no! Stop! STOP! STOP! Stop! Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop.

JOE SCARBOROUGH: Stop?! No, we're not going to stop, it's a simple question!

CARSON: Hey, can you turn her microphone off, please? Turn her microphone off so I can answer.

SCARBOROUGH: No. No. It's a simple question. Yes or no? Do you believe these women are lying or not? Nobody's trying to paint you as a bad guy. We just want an answer. Straight talk.

TIME-OUT, because you must understand most of this was cross-talk, lovingly transcribed by yr Wonkette as goodly as we could. Let the record show that while ERRBODY was yelling, it was specifically the BRITISH LADY WOMAN that Dr. Carson wanted to shut her trap, so he could make the media stop doing bias to him by asking questions. He did not ask for Joe Scarborough's microphone to be cut off.


Tell us more about how whether Donald Trump sexually assaults women doesn't matter and is beside the point, Dr. Carson, now that you've told that insolent chick to can it:

CARSON: It doesn't matter whether they're lying or not.

KAY: Of course it matters!

CARSON: What matters is ... Listen! It doesn't matter whether they're lying or not. What matters is that the train is going off the cliff. We're taking our eye off of that and we're getting involved in other issues that can be taken care of later!

Oh, we guess he wasn't done doing "Jane You Ignorant Slut" to Katty Kay. We can worry about whether Trump is a serial sexual abuser once he's president, we guess.

CARSON: Listen!

KAY: You are suggesting that they are lying because it possibly couldn't have happened because of the way first class cabins are designed and there are air hostesses there ...

CARSON: Listen! Would you listen for a moment?

KAY: ... which is implying that you think that they are lying, that they're not telling the truth. And that's a huge issue.

CARSON: Do you guys have a plug, please?


Carson then yapped about "Judeo-Christian morality," and how he'd love for us to get back to our "Judeo-Christian" roots. We bet he really likes the part of the "Judeo-Christian" religion about "women should STFU when men are talking." Carson says we should wait to get back to those roots until after the election, though, once we put the old pussburglar in office.

You'd think the interview was enough of a disaster at that point, and that Carson's handlers would have carried him out so his broken brain could be sent away for refurbishing. Nope! He spat Republican talking points about the national debt and the "future of our children," concluding that our nation is in such dire straits that citizens should "GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS!" that it doesn't matter whether Trump sexually abused those women.

Ben Carson would now like to cry about the media while Joe Scarborough forcefully calls him a fuck-up:

CARSON: Why is it that you people in the media ...

SCARBOROUGH: Stop saying "you people."

CARSON: ... like to take something that someone said ...

SCARBOROUGH: Stop saying "you people" ...

CARSON: ... and then try to recharacterize it as something else so that you can then come back and say, "This is what it said."

SCARBOROUGH: Why can't you just give a straight answer?


Whew! Good thing Joe Scarborough isn't a lady, because Ben Carson might have tried to plug his hole!

This whole video is apeshit and we're tired of transcribing Ben Carson's petulant face, so just watch the dang thing, OK?

[Morning Joe on Twitter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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