Biden Loses 2024 Election To Imaginary Faceless Republican, Beats All The Ones With Faces

Biden Loses 2024 Election To Imaginary Faceless Republican, Beats All The Ones With Faces

Politico/Morning Consult is out with one of those so-called "polls" they do, to find out what Americans so-called "think" about "things." As we all know, the Beltway media is all doom and gloom about the Democrats' prospects from here until the end of time, but this poll is here to tell us it might not be all that bad.

If the 2024 election were held today — and to be clear, it is not being held today — Joe Biden would lose, were he matched up with an imaginary, nameless, faceless, headless Republican. Indeed, he'd lose by nine points (46 to 37) to Imaginary Headless Faceless Republican! The trouble comes in for Republicans when they have names and faces and personalities and voices and heads. Then everybody hates them, or at least likes them much less.

According to the graphic below from Politico, Biden edges Donald Trump by one mere point, with more votes up for grabs, which is clearly within the margin of error. (For an election that's over two years away.) Yep, 44 percent of respondents are still stickin' with the ringleader of the 1/6 terrorists!

But put Biden up against other recognizable Republicans? Ted Cruz? Biden wins by six points. Hell, Biden could probably win Ted's vote if he'd just insult Ted's wife.

Against Mike Pence? Biden by two. Ron DeSantis? Biden by five.

Room for improvement? Certainly. But not a failed Biden presidency, like the Beltway media seems to be insisting to us on a daily basis.

Politico Playbook notes another little factoid you'll find if you dig deeper, and it is that only 49 percent of Republicans want Trump as their first choice in the 2024 primary. They might be stupid enough to cling to the Big Lie that Trump won, but that doesn't mean they want to watch that man waddle around and whine for four more years. Playbook puts it in perspective, pointing out that Trump is at the front of the pack, but there are others in the mix there, like DeSantis and Pence. Hell, if you take Trump all the way out of the mix, 24 percent of GOP voters become Diaper Don supporters.

So what does this teach us, class? That's right, it teaches us that no matter what slate of options Republicans have in front of them, they'll usually figure out a way to choose a physically repulsive bigoted white guy.

On the midterms front, the generic congressional ballot is tied at 42 percent each for Democrats and Republicans, so don't listen to hacks who demand the right to tell you Congress is lost forever. Indeed, the parties' congressional favorability and unfavorability ratings are almost identical. It's probably anybody's game at this point.

We don't know why they asked this, but the favorability rating for the Senate's Dumbest Republican Ron Johnson is just 12 percent. He's up for re-election in November. That's one equation we should be able to solve.

And finally, shockingly, Americans YOOGELY approve of the Biden administration's plans for getting them at-home COVID tests (72 percent) and N95 masks (68 percent). The lesson here is either that Americans like it when government does good things that help them, or they just like free shit and would say the same if the Biden administration was handing out certificates for a free Frosty at Wendy's, which come to think of it, couldn't hurt us in the midterms and the 2024 election.

In summary and in conclusion, vote for Joe Biden and get a free Frosty.*

You know, unless Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema fuck that up too.**

*Perhaps, and only if they take Wonkette's sage advice.

**Sorry about your Frosty :(

[Politico/Morning Consult]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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