Bill Barr SWEARS Clownshow Investigation Into Trump's Deep State Fantasies Led By Actual Grownup

Attorney General Bill Barr is INDIGNANT and GRRR because he is SICK AND TIRED of being SICK AND TIRED of all y'all fuckers out there who are always correctly pointing out how he's clearly politicized the Justice Department to act as the reanimated corpse of Roy Cohn in service to Bill Barr's lord and savior Donald Trump. UNFAIR! That is so mean of all y'all!

Barr whine-splained this to Fox News, reacting to questions about why he's been flying around the globe on a Carmen Sandiego-On-Bath-Salts adventure, doing a criminal investigation into the conspiracy theories about the 2016 election that rest atop Donald Trump's unformed turds, in order to exculpate Russia for its attack on that election, and to make the intelligence asset Russia helped install as the American president appear legitimate.

Attorney General Bill Barr: We'll let the chips fall where they

Are you acting as Trump's personal lawyer, Bill Barr? Yes, or YES I SAID YES I WILL YES?

"That's completely wrong and there is no basis for it, and I act on behalf of the United States," Barr said.

Fuck you.

Are you doing the investigation yourself, Bill Barr? Or are you letting John Durham, the respected US attorney you appointed to give this clownfucking shitshow the thinnest veneer of credibility, run it?

"He is in charge of the investigation, I'm not doing the investigation," Barr said, while describing Durham, the U.S. attorney for Connecticut, as "thorough and fair" and saying he's making progress.

Mark that one down as a solid "maybe."

Barr added that FBI Director Christopher Wray is doing a really good job helping with the very legal and very cool "investigation," unlike stinky James Comey, who was bad.

"As you know, I've said previously that I felt there was a failure of leadership at the bureau in 2016 and part of 2017, but since Director Wray and his team have taken over there's been a world of change. I think that he is restoring the steady professionalism that's been a hallmark of the FBI. I really appreciate his leadership there."

Uh huh.

And why did you go to Italy recently, Bill Barr? To see if you could get some Italian officials to lie and say Trump is totally right when he pushes his conspiracy theory about how the DEEEEEEP STAAAAAATE framed his campaign in 2016 by ... [BREATHES] ... sending a weirdo Maltese professor named Joseph Mifsud to trick Trump campaign foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos into thinking the Russians had dirty Hillary Clinton emails, thereby forcing Pap to get drunk and barf that intel all over an Australian diplomat, Alexander Downer, in London, at which point (AND ACCORDING TO THE PLAN!) Downer told the FBI what was going on, which gave the DEEEEEP STAAAAAAATE the fake reason it needed to do a witch hunt of Donald Trump, who is pure as the driven snow and NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION, also the Russians did not hack the DNC, the DNC hacked the DNC, something something SETH RICH, and then the DNC buried the evidence in the backyard in Ukraine and all of this was done to make it look like Russia was trying to help Trump, and the dastardly plot worked so well that Trump was elected president and Hillary Clinton is eating grapes in Chappaqua right now, just like the tricky lady wanted all along?

(To which the Italians replied OH FUCK OFF, and also CIAO!)

Is that why you went?

"Well, some of the countries that John Durham thought might have some information that would be helpful to the investigation wanted preliminarily to talk to me about the scope of the investigation, the nature of the investigation, and how I intended to handle confidential information, and so forth," Barr said. "So I initially discussed these matters with those countries and introduced them to John Durham and established a channel by which Mr. Durham can obtain assistance from those countries."

Oh, it was all John Durham's idea.

We bet.

Anyway, good talk, Bill Barr, let's do this again soon never again.


[Fox News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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