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Bill De Blasio Sworn In As New York City Mayor, Promises A Banker's Head In Every Pot

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Many of you were probably too hung over on Wednesday to remember that it was the day Bill de Blasio was inaugurated as mayor of New York City. It was a wonderful and festive day, though perhaps tinged with fear at what the city's future in the grip of this mad Communist dictator may be. For those who missed it, Wonkette presents this transcript of de Blasio's inaugural address.

Greetings, comrades! Today is a glorious day for our revolution, a day we have dreamed of, planned and schemed for since the days when our forefathers and fellow travelers would gather in the back room of Morty Feinbaum’s haberdashery on Pitt just off Delancey to drink Morty’s homemade potato vodka and plot their evisceration of the aristocratic classes! For today is the day that I, Bill de Blasio, take control of the greatest city ever, New York City! (pause for applause, cheers, any dudebros in audience to chant “N-Y-C!”)

Proletarians of the heroic working classes! I thank you for investing me with this awesome power. I thank you for ignoring the dire warnings of our fascist capitalist pig-dog enemies who kept telling you that a vote for Bill de Blasio was a vote for socialism, communism, and a return to the New York of the 1970s, when the city was a hellscape of criminality and our only hope lay with one man … a man driven by a thirst for revenge, a man who had only a gun and a Death Wish. (Pause for dudebros to chant “Charlie! Charlie!”)

Yes, you were warned. You were warned by the finest minds in the land, like Jonah Goldberg and Stanley Kurtz. But all the capitalists in New York, all that Wall Street money, could never hope to withstand the might of the Communist Party USA with its national membership of approximately 2000 people, the vicious tactics of the socialists of Occupy Wall Street, which leveraged its protests from 2011 into a mighty political machine unseen in this city since Boss Tweed ruled Tammany Hall with an iron fist. And of course you knew that my candidacy owes a debt above all to the mighty oak that is ACORN, which has amassed its own power base despite having ceased to exist in 2010. You were warned that I would cozy up to vicious thugs like Harry Belafonte, who at the age of 86 can still make our conservative brethren shit their pants like a disloyal Party member in Minsk when Stalin’s secret police knocked on the door.

The brethren cannot believe their eyes. They cannot believe you chose as you did. You live in this city that has done so well under the leadership of Michael Bloomberg and Rudy 9-11, and yet still a majority of you voted for me, a known Communist who married a sister of color and honeymooned in Cuba. Certainly I must have hoodwinked you, as there is no way a majority of New York voters saw the massive accumulation of wealth at the very top of society and became disillusioned with the unfettered, unregulated capitalism that led to our economic collapse of 2008 and stagnated their wages and their way of life for thirty years before that and decided on their own to go in a different direction. No, obviously you are all useful Communist stooges.

Comrades, you can see the fruits of our labors on this dais with me. Here sits a swath of known radicals such as Andrew Cuomo, our new police chief William Bratton, and of course Bill and Hilary Clinton, who will now finally be able to cast off thirty years of pretending to be moderate Third Way Democrats, not to mention all the personal wealth they have accumulated, to join our cleansing of the corrupt capitalist structures of this city! Soon Wall Street will be ankle-deep in the blood of our bankers and their stooges, red like the flag of our too-soon-departed Motherland!

Join me, oh great and mighty soldiers of the revolution! Join me as we march on Park Avenue, today, now, to seize the condos and co-ops for the people! To tear the denizens of those buildings limb from limb! To crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentation of their women. (Conan the Barbarian, 1982, and definitely used without permission because copyright law is a tool of the capitalist oppressors.)

And when you march, make sure you sing our new song of freedom, which is destined to replace The Internationale in the annals of most revered Communist music:

Start spreading the wealth,

I’m seizing your pay,

I’m gonna take part or likely all of it,

Novo Yorkski, Novo Yorkski!

(Also used without permission. Suck it, Old Blue Eyes! Oh you can't because you are dead.)

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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