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Bill O'Reilly Is Never Ever Ever Going To Stop Punching Hippies

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We tried SO HARD to listen to all seven minutes of Bill O'Reilly whinesplaining about how hippies are taking over everything, but it is really difficult you guys. We were going to pass the pain on to you and embed that sucker here, but it looks like you pay monies to Fox to make that happen and haha we are never giving any money to Fox. So what exactly is Bill-o on about today? Hippie boomers became authority figures and now they are wrecking everything with their mewling about how people who are not Bill O'Reilly deserve equal treatment and how maybe America could be less suck about that and Bill O'Reilly has had it up to here with them. SPOILER ALERT: Bill's reasoning is both suspect and ridiculously confusing!


OK, so first off, the hippies are now in charge, and they've automated and synergized and thought leadered their evil thoughts about equality into an unstoppable machine and it is all because of Vietnam.

Millions of young people decided their country was wrong for fighting the war in Southeast Asia. So they launched massive demonstrations all across the USA and built up a culture based on anti- authority, that is, the man who had power was bad.

To go along with the political strife, the youth culture embraced sex, drugs and rock and roll changing the country from traditional attitudes to "if it feels good, do it".

Let us take a moment to remind you that it is 2014, and Bill is nattering on about something that was a big deal in 1968. That is a long fucking time to nurture a sad about hippies, dude. Let us also remind you that Bill took full advantage of his education deferment to skip out on the nightmare that was Vietnam, which does not seem very traditional values to us!

Since the late 1960s, Bill has apparently done nothing but sit around and stoke his anger at people who had the goddamn gall to decide that they would do what they want instead of what Bill O'Reilly said and also too maybe it would be cool if the poors and the blahs and teh gheys could get some too.

The grievance industry basically says that America is not a fair nation that the deck is stacked against minorities, women, the poor, gays, atheists, Muslims -- you name it. And the bad guys are white males, the Republican Party and anybody who doesn't buy into the grievance industry. [...] And these folks are ruthless. If you go up against them, the push back will be intense and the liberal media will be on their side.

Yep. We're mustering our attack army against you right now, Bill.

So what does all this grievance power mean for 'Merica? According to Bill O'Reilly, it means that college kids will get rowdy during spring break.

As evidence, O'Reilly pointed to [...] a spring break riot last weekend out in Isla Vista, Calif. that resulted in more than 100 arrests and dozens of injuries.

Sure, O'Reilly said, we've seen "spring break craziness" before and there probably wasn't event a political component to the display. But still!

"You are more likely to destroy property if you don't care about who is affected," he said.

Yeah, if there is one thing that rich boomers passed on to their college kids, it is a "fuck the rich burn it all down" attitude. Has Bill O'Reilly ever met an actual college student that is a college student right now?

One day, we will pledge our undying love and fealty to something or someone the way that Bill O'Reilly has done with hippie-punching/hating/whining all these years. We'll make sure to send you all a link to the gift registry when the happy day arrives.

[TPM/Fox News]

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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