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Splotchy tomato-cheeked bully Bill O'Reilly used his television program Monday night to propose his swell idea to Win The War On Terror: recruit and train 25,000 mercenaries to attack and defeat the forces of the Islamic State, also known as ISIS. He already has a named picked out for his "elite force" and everything: the Anti-Terror Army.


O'Reilly promised that such a force was the only conceivable way to preserve the Republic. While he was open to the droid armies that have long served the Republic's security needs, he asked his viewers to keep an open mind about the promise of a clone army, modeled off the galaxy's finest and most ruthless bounty hunter. Here's how his plan would work:

America would be in charge of selecting who makes the cut and how they are deployed, with an eye on a 25,000 person force. American and NATO officers would lead the mercenary army, and the USA would also provide logistical support, basing the first trained soldiers in Kurdistan. [...]

Each soldier would sign a contract to three-year commitment, and again, they would be highly paid. Finally, it would help a lot if the U.S. Congress would formally declare war on terrorism and stop trying to coax reluctant, sometimes cowardly countries, into fighting Islamic terrorism.

There's lots of details in there, although he does not address the part where his entire plan is illegal according to the U.N. General Assembly. Would Bill-O's force speak English? Sure would, somehow! Would these mercenaries be trained by American special forces, so they could learn extra-lethal skillz that couldn't possibly be resold on the international market to the highest bidder? You bet your soapy loofah they would. Will Field Marshall O'Reilly's force make sure that no Bad Guys are among the "well-paid, well-trained" fighters in his new stateless army? Reply hazy, try again!

Do we compare this less-than-half-baked proposal to the late-night dorm-room philosophizing of a poli sci major who has just gotten high for the first time? Or is this an older man's proposal, the province of local newspaper comments sections filled with screen names like "FED UP GRAMPA" and "Taxed Enough Already"? Perhaps O'Reilly's plan belongs to white men of all ages, just another dumpster fire of American privilege calling on someone else's kid to fill the boots on the ground, since those boots do not fit Bill O'Reilly's flat, phlebitis-ridden feet. We are not sure; hopefully, you can tell us in the comments.

After unburdening himself of the weighty thoughts in his brain case, O'Reilly brought out Prof. Thomas M. Nichols from the Naval War College for his #HotTake on this mercenary army thingy. Nichols showed O'Reilly approximately the same level of mercy displayed by ISIS forces after capturing enemy troops.

Well, Bill, I understand your frustration, I really do, but this is a terrible idea. It's a terrible idea not just as a practical matter, but as a moral matter. It's a morally corrosive idea to try to outsource our national security. This is something Americans are going to have to do for themselves. We're not going to solve this problem by creating an army of Marvel's Avengers, or the Guardians of the Galaxy...

O'Reilly responds that the perfesser is "givin' [him] some kind of, uh, theoretical stuff that it's immoral, I don't get it," and then it goes on from there. Here, watch.

Undeterred, O'Reilly went on CBS This Morning this very morning (ha) to keep fuckin' that mercenary chicken.

O'Reilly seemed pretty durn confident that everything he had said would come to pass, prompting this conversation with Gayle King.

O'Reilly: ...so it's gonna happen. This anti-terror army is going to happen.

King: Why do you say all the things you say, Bill, with such certainty?

O'Reilly: Because I'm always right, Gayle, you know that.

Begun this clone war has. Also, kudos to ISIS's media team and their references to "the spiteful and filthy French."

[Media Matters]

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