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Anyone who makes Meryl facepalm is a MONSTER


Having so successfully gotten to the bottom of what really happened at Benghazi -- Sidney Blumenthal gave the stand-down order, on YouTube, and then partied all night with Hillary -- House Republicans are ready to prove again how effective these special committees are at investigating stuff. So now almost ex-Speaker John Boehner has announced the appointment of a balanced slate (four Republican men and four Republican women) to investigate whether Planned Parenthood has been trading fetus parts for Lamborghinis. They'll even allow five Democrats onto the panel, giving them the opportunity to slam their faces into their desks as often as they need to, while Republicans on the panel ask Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards, "Were you alone the WHOLE NIGHT while 50 million babies were being borted?"

[contextly_sidebar id="ygWdxkqzXZ75qjdAzj3uZRSr9EsPc8tO"]Given that state investigations keep finding Planned Parenthood hasn't broken any laws, we're betting this congressional inquiry will calmly and rationally examine the evidence, see that the recent sting videos are naught but bullcrap of the highest order, and wrap up its work within a few weeks.

Haha, we are joking you of course! They will probably subpoena Jim Bakker to explain how Abortionplexes pull double duty as centers for Satanic sacrifices!

[contextly_sidebar id="Cn3qUWFZpuexBmoQTyVwAjKVBNtrLowh"]The Select Investigative Panel will be chaired by Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn, who in 2013 vowed to end all federal funding of abortion, which was a pretty easy goal seeing as how it's already illegal. She's also been behind any number of attempts to ban abortions after 20 weeks, plus she's also convinced that Christians are being oppressed in America.

What we're saying is, it's nice to see that Boehner found someone who's dedicated to addressing the issue objectively.

Boehner's press release on the appointments is the usual stew of horsehockey about trading baby parts for wool, like in the classic game Settlers of Cataan:

Recent videos exposing the abortion-for-baby parts business have shocked the nation, and demanded action. At my request, three House committees have been investigating the abortion business, but we still don’t have the full truth. Chairman Blackburn and our members will have the resources and the subpoena power to get to the bottom of these horrific practices, and build on our work to protect the sanctity of all human life.

So in the Benghazi investigation, inaccurate information about a video is central to the whining, while in the Planned Parenthood investigation, the inaccurate videos themselves are proof that something fishy is going on. Before this mess is over, we'll probably be treated to dramatic congressional testimony about the Zapruder Fetus.

For its part, Planned Parenthood issued a press release condemning the political motivation and "false and discredited claims" in the videos, but said that even though the investigation was bullshit (perhaps we paraphrase a bit):

[Planned Parenthood will] continue to share the facts with all of these committees, which include that fetal tissue donation for medical research is an important but tiny part of Planned Parenthood's work in just two states, that we've had guidance in place for more than a decade that goes well beyond the legal requirements, and that even doctored and discredited videos show no wrongdoing by Planned Parenthood.

After typing that, Planned Parenthood's press liaison sighed and had herself a good stiff drink. Then she reflected on how the Republicans' Benghazi hearing failed so spectacularly, it will probably help elect Hillary Clinton, and she got to work researching how Planned Parenthood could take office as VP.

[TPM]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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