Bradlee Dean, Who Has Never Advocated Beating Children, Advocates Beating Children Again
Wonket bestie Bradlee Dean is still trying to tell schools how they should be, even though he keeps getting chased out of schools (and even whole towns!) for being The Worst. But here is a funny thing! In his newest "Good Old Days" column, in which he pines for a yesteryear when children could take shotguns to school and children would fistfight and then "shake hands and become the best of friends" (presumably because the schools were only filled with civilized white children is our educated guess), Bradlee Dean says we should be whipping children with belts! EVEN THOUGH he has threatened to sue your Wonket for saying he advocates beating children, because he says he has never advocated beating children! We will be sure to take a screenshot for our eventual countersuit in which we TRIUMPH and seize Bradlee Dean's (probably) AMC Pacer. Bradlee Dean should really stop typing things, or saying things, or looking like that, with his face.
Let us look at how the shining days of some mythological past time were awesome, and today sucks, with our guide to Lost America, Bradlee Dean!
OK, first there is some nonsense about the Ten Commandments and bayonets, which we could not follow because they were not written in See Dick Run kindygarten primer style, but then, there is this!
I came across some scenarios that exemplify my point:
Oh, sorry, quick question: so did Bradlee Dean write these scenarios, or did he "come across them"? Because if he "came across them" (not with his penis, we hope), we do not see a citation to whomever he THIEVED THEM FROM.
High school in 1962 vs. 2013
Johnny goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1962 – Vice principal comes over, looks at Johnny’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Johnny.
2013 – School goes into lockdown and the FBI is called. Johnny is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or his gun again. Counselors are called in for traumatized students and teachers.
In this scenario, "shotgun" is a euphemism for "cock."
Tim and Mark get into a fist-fight after school.
1962 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins the fight. Tim and Mark shake hands and end up the best of friends.
2013 – Police called and the SWAT team arrives. They arrest both Tim and Mark. They are both charged with assault and battery and then expelled and put onto probation.
Everything about this scenario is a lie. Fuck you, liar.
Billy breaks a window on his neighbor’s car.
1962 – His dad gives him a good whipping with his belt, and Billy never does it again.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is then removed from his home and sent to foster care and later joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused as well. Their dad then goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Jesus, Billy's mom is a whore. But then again, she is presumably a woman (UNLESS GAY MARRIAGE), so that is probably redundant. Of course, after years of getting beaten with Billy's dad's belt, we would probably bang the psychiatrist too.
And there you have it. Bradlee Dean has never advocated beating children (or executing homosexuals) except for all the times that he has.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.