Brave Todd Starnes Fights For College Kids' Right To Eat Breasts On Buttery Buns

We are NEVER getting tired of this image.

Earlier this week, the University of Nebraska-Kearney scrapped plans to install a Chick-Fil-A franchise on campus after numerous complaints from students upset about the chain's regressive views on marriage equality. That seems clear-cut and reasonable, and we can all go home without discussing it further, right? NOT IF FOX NEWS COLUMNIST TODD STARNES HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, WE CAN'T!

Unfortunately for reasonable human beings and fortunately for lovers of unintentional comedy, self-acknowledged incompetent moron and suspected pee imbiber Starnes decided to insert himself into the discussion like a walrus in a drainpipe. Starnes took a break from writing about his love of Donald Trump's boner to opine (again) about his deep devotion to Chick-Fil-A and how anyone who doesn't love gay-hatin' chicken sandwiches is a godless communist, or something.

After summarizing the argle-bargle over Chick-Fil-A, Starnes got off to an inauspicious start:

Who doesn’t love a plump juicy chicken breast tucked between hot, buttered buns?

PHRASING, TODD. We'll pause here while you all go throw up.

OK, you good now? Cool. Let's continue.

However, it turns out majority does not rule at the University of Nebraska – Kearney. A vocal minority pitched a fit and demanded that Chick-fil-A be banished from campus.

Oh no! Not everyone was thrilled with having gay-hatin' fast food on campus?

All the anti-chicken contingent needed for their nefarious plan to succeed was a yellow-bellied student government. And they got what they were looking for. [...]

“When we learned more about Chick-fil-A and its corporate values and discriminatory policies, and after hearing these concerns raised by a section of our student body, we concluded that these corporate values are not aligned with our values as a student body, and it is not in the best interest of our UNK community to pursue Chick-fil-A right now,” he wrote.

Well, that seems perfectly rational to us. "We decided we'd prefer not to have them on campus because they are shitty to gay people."

So go ahead, Todd Starnes, explain to us why it is in fact an abhorrent assault on the forces of reason and basic human decency:

Calhoun did not provide any evidence that Chick-fil-A has ever discriminated against anyone – especially the LGBT community. But these days – facts don’t seem to matter.

Uh, Todd.Hi.Yeah.Down in front.

The university’s spokes-dude, a fellow by the name of Todd Gottula, told the local newspaper that Chick-fil-A has not been banned. Well, that depends on what your definition of ban is, Mr. Gottula.

How hard do you think Todd Starnes high-fived himself when he came up with that zinger, on a scale of 1 to 10 Trump Penises?

The conflict stems from the Great Chicken Conflict of 2012. I was reporting from the frontline trenches of that battle. Chick-fil-A’s president had the nerve to speak out in support of traditional marriage. That prompted all sorts of protests and outrage from militant LGBT activists and chicken-bigots.

The war had gone badly that winter for the Righteous Forces of the Kingdom of No Marriage Equality. They'd suffered innumerable casualties when a particularly cruel internet commenter had referred to them as "dickfucks." Their supply chain had been cut when nearby college campuses had refused to grant business licenses to Chick-Fil-A; what the hell were the brave warriors supposed to do at that point, eat at Subway?! That would've been a fate worse than death. By late January, the bitter cold had forced them to eat their Bibles, and they were all running dangerously low on faith.

Scribbling madly, courageous holy war journalist Todd Starnes recorded it all, stopping only to take sips of his own urine from the thermos that was his constant companion. Small blessings; at least no one judged him for that now.

Pro-poultry student Aaron Ohri fired off a letter calling the student government’s decision a “complete and total slap in the face to many of us on this campus who believe that Chick-fil-A is not wrong in what they believe.”

“I understand that a Christian lifestyle in this day and society is completely ‘disrespectful’ but please do not ever again send me an email speaking for the ‘whole student body’ when you do not have a clue what most of us actually think,” he wrote in a letter to the university.

Awww, poor babbies are unhappy they can't loudly and proudly Do A Bigotry in their mouths. Personally, we'd prefer you were kicked in the nuts rather than slapped in the face, Aaron, but we can't have everything, so we'll settle for you not having easy access to Chick-Fil-A.

Also, not that we need to repeat this at this point, but if you think a Christian lifestyle demands you oppress vulnerable groups in American society, you're Christianing wrong.

But what does this all mean, Todd Starnes?

Well, Mr. Gottula, when you put the puzzle pieces together you discover a very disturbing national trend. Those who do not affirm the LGBT agenda are systematically being silenced.

First, they came for the homophobic bigots, and I said nothing.

Unless you ascribe to their point of view – you are not welcome to participate in the public marketplace – of ideas or commerce.

You will be made to conform -- resistance is futile.

Look, Starnes, if there are Star Trek references to be made, we will be the ones making them, thank you very much.

In conclusion: moron Todd Starnes is still moron.

[Fox News / Daily Mail]


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