Breaking: Goldman Sachs Did Not Break Any of Those Laws It Wrote

Breaking: Goldman Sachs Did Not Break Any of Those Laws It Wrote

Good news, bankers! Our long national nightmare of no accountability and massive golden parachutes is behind us so let there be champagne, caviar, and get out of jail free cards for all because the entire financial crisis is forgiven and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession, or as we like to call it "the new normal." This development, of course, is TOTALLY shocking and unexpected and no one saw this coming.

Neither Goldman Sachs Group Inc nor its employees will face U.S. criminal charges related to trades they made during the financial crisis that were highlighted in a 2011 U.S. Senate report, the Justice Department said on Thursday…

The statement from the Justice Department said that officials there "have determined that, based on the law and evidence as they exist at this time, there is not a viable basis to bring a criminal prosecution with respect to Goldman Sachs or its employees in regard to the allegations set forth in the report" from [Senator Carl] Levin's subcommittee.

First of all, everyone knows that concepts like “law” and “evidence” are for Poors, and that holding banks responsible for the financial crisis would be un-American. And really, since Goldman Sachs paid for and made the law so it’s only fair for them to decide who, exactly, is breaking them. Senator Carl Levin has already stated that this decision shows "weakness," but we beg to differ, given that it shows who, exactly, is in charge, and it's not Carl Levin.



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