BREAKING: PRESIDENT KUCINICH ILL

President Dennis Kucinich is reportedly fighting for his life in a Cleveland-area hospital. The nation's beloved Forest-Sprite-in-Chief contracted food poisoning Sunday night. As Dennis is a vegan, we're pretty sure, he was probably poisoned by Russian agents or Dick Cheney, who's been in hiding since his indictment by the President's War Crimes Tribunal.

As the nation awaits news of the Elven President's condition, citizens are urged to remain calm.

Kucinich in Hospital With Food Poisoning [Openers]

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