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BREAKING! Rick Santorum Takes His Balls And Goes Home

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Do you hear that? That is the sound of weeping -- really, that phlegmy, breathless, hacking snot-snarfling SOBBING -- throughout the land as political humorists realize the little spitty, sneery, smegmatic Torquemadita has bowed to something called "reality." And now he is not quitting, per se (because that way you can no longer spend your campaign funds maybe?) but is "suspending" his campaign. Is Rick Perry's campaign still suspended? Is Herman Cain's? Did those dudes ever actually quit? Anybody wanna check on that?


When did this "suspending" campaign thing start anyway? It must have been pre-McCain right? (You remember: the MAVERICK ONE was constantly flying around the country, "suspending" his campaign because the only other way to show how truly erratic he was was to select Sarah Palin as veep?) The first campaign "suspender" we can think of was oddball Ross Perot, but he was actually just constantly quitting and then getting back in?

Anyway, this is a terrible thing that has started happening, in politics. Please grab the only clue from the Snowbilly Grifter and just fuckin' quit, man. Just grab two beers and slide down the emergency exit slide. Be a hero, not a zero.

[Television]

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Paul Ryan is still retiring, but…. Did you actually think we could get rid of him without him trying to starve poor people (more) on his way out the door? Of course not. Reverse Robin Hood Ryan is STILL trying to find some way, ANY WAY, to get those dollars that go towards feeding the poor diverted to feeding the rich. Because Christian. No matter how many time we remind Mr. P90X that Jesus fed the poor for fucking free, he still lives in the world of Mean Jesus, who rips the loaves and fishes from the hands of starving kiddies. Mean Jesus says blame their parents for being poors and not being able to buy them "brown paper bag" lunches.

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Hillary Clinton spoke Monday at the Elly Awards in New York, and she had something to say about Donald Trump's vicious plan to see how many Hispanic Mexican babies he can hurt before Democrats cry uncle and fund his fucking wall. Here is some transcript and a video, lovingly provided by Daily Kos, and after that we have thoughts:

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