BREAKING: SHARKEY ARRESTED
Minnesota Gubernatorial Candidate/Vampire Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey has been arrested on outstanding warrants for stalking and escape (honestly, what else could his outstanding warrants have been for?). Which gives the AP the chance to write this nearly-perfect graf:
Sharkey launched his campaign last month. His platform includes an emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans, but he also said he favored impaling certain wrongdoers in front of the State Capitol.
Sharkey's crack team is already working on expunging all mention of the incident from his Wikipedia entry (in the name of Our Dark Lord, natch).
But out favorite part might be the FEC filing an operative sent us the other day regarding Sharkey's previous bid for the presidency, back when he was running as Rocky "Hurricane" Flash:
I am now OFFICIALLY stating that I want this committee closed, immediately. Rocky "Hurricane" Flash's human existence ended on October 22, 2004. Hence, there is no reason to keep this matter of his campaign committee open
Now there's a handy way to get out of all sorts of things. We may call in undead tomorrow, in fact.