BREAKING: Televangelist Scamster Pat Robertson Has Never Actually Read The Bible

Gather round, kidlets, time for another edition of What Do The Voices Say In Crazy Uncle Pat's Brain Parts? On a recent episode of Pat Robertson's Jesus Hour, a viewer named "Viewer" -- no, seriously, they didn't even bother to make up a name for this person this time, they just call him/her/it/whatever "Viewer," and we are pretty sure the interns who have to write in the questions are just amusing themselves now, to see if Pat even notices, because of how he is older than God's mom, and straight-up senile too, and probably they are sick of fetching him his Metamucil, EW GROSS, but anyway -- Viewer submitted this question:

I was wondering if you could explain to me the difference in the Ten Commandments by God versus the laws given in Leviticus. A coworker told me the other day that people can't consider themselves Christian if they don't obey ALL the laws in the Bible.

Sorry, Viewer, but we're going to interrupt you for a second to point out that your "coworker" is A Idiot because we heard God wrote the Bible and the Ten Commandments and the Constitution, and all the everything, DUH, so it is ALL God's law. (Also, dude, way not cool to be lecturing your coworkers about how to do religion good, unless you are a Catholic bishop telling your priests to stop diddling kids, but otherwise, you know, ixnay on the alk-tay about od-gay and the like.)

But proceed, Viewer, with your question:

For example, in Leviticus, the Bible says that a husband cannot be in the same room with his wife on her period. Why don't we keep the Leviticus laws anymore? As Christians, is it okay to only follow the written law and not the Levitical law?

We are sure Pat will have a different take, but we're going to tell you right now, Viewer, some of us (not us us, obviously, but, like friends and family we know) do obey the laws of Leviticus. They do not eat of the pig or the shellfish, and they do not wear of the poly-blend because that's gross. And we reckon Jesus Hisself, who was a Jewish and kept the Leviticus laws, would not climb down from that cross and tell you, "Yeah, bro, I totally died up there so you can eat bacon and do your lady in her pleasure cave even when she's got her monthly, but no buttfucking your buddies, buddy, because that is serious."

But you go on, Pat, tell Viewer and the rest of us what you think about all that:

You read the Bible, Jesus Christ fulfilled all the law, all the laws fulfilled in him. And when he died, he paid the penalty for the law. There is therefore now no law against the people of God.

Hang on. Jesus got us covered, so now we can do, like, whatever? BRB, doing ... some stuff, don't worry about it.

There's only one law, the law of love. You should love each other. And the idea that you've got to stay out of a room with a menstruating woman or something -- I'm not sure where you found that either ... [uncontrollable chuckling] ... wherever you found that, you don't have to worry about it because what you do is love each other, that you have love for one another. This is the commandment I give you.

Yeah, Viewer, where the heck did you find that HI-larious crazy talk? Oh, right there in Leviticus, where it says, "And thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is impure by her uncleanness"? Right before it says "Don't bang your neighbor's wife, that's effed up, dude" and -- hey! -- the part about NO HOMO, it is A Abomination. Funny, Pat loves that part, how the heck did he miss the thing about the bleeding?

OK, here's a crazy idea. Maybe, just maybe, Pat Robertson never read the Bible, and all of his advice comes directly from bumperstickers and wackadoodle rightwing sites, like where all the Real Good Christians get their theology these days. Is it possible? Likely, even? Because, as we are sure Jesus H. The Christ would tell Pat if he were here today, the Bible is not a book about don't do buggering or abortions. Hardly comes up, actually. Certainly not in the Ten Commandments, and as for Leviticus, well, that's mostly a manual on hygiene. Truly. Wash your hands, don't get the trichinosis runs, and snip the boy dicks to avoid smegma in your pee hole. IT'S IN THE BIBLE!

Or heck, Viewer, you could spare yourself all the confusion, and just follow the commandment Pat gives you. That probably makes it a lot simpler, and then you don't have to do all that tedious reading to figure out which parts God was probably kidding about anyway.



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