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Here she comes!


If you are reading this, you are probably a mean liberal who has been sitting around eating arugula for months now, making catty asshole jokes about how Melania Trump refuses to move to the White House, spending gajillions of dollars on the taxpayer dime, probably because she hates her husband, whose Secret Service code name may or may not be "Dipshit." But you will have to stop making those jokes now, because the Washington Post reports that Melania and Donald have chosen a school in DC for young Barron Trump, the only male Trump offspring who doesn't have the stench of guilt on him. (The female offspring who doesn't have that stench is called Tiffany, but official Trump family policy is We Don't Talk About Tiffany.)

It sounds like a nice school! It is in Maryland!

Barron Trump, the 11-year-old son of President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump, will attend the private St. Andrew’s Episcopal School in Potomac, Md., this fall after he moves from New York to Washington with his mother.

Barron Trump is finishing out the current school year at Columbia Grammar and Preparatory School on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, where he is believed to be in fifth grade. He is expected to move to Washington this summer. He will be the first presidential child to attend St. Andrew’s, a co-educational college preparatory school that was founded in 1978 and educates about 580 students from pre-kindergarten through 12th grade.

Very good! Wonkette would like to make clear that though we are committed to going after the president HARD, and while we reserve the right to say whatever we want to say about Melania if/when she pisses us off, we bear NO ILL WILL toward the minor child in the Trump family, and hope he does really well and makes a lot of friends at his new school. Go, Barron!

Does the WaPo have anything else to add, perhaps in its bitchy subhed teaser?

The 11-year-old will attend a school known for its ground-breaking brain-based research center.

Oh, we see the subtle point they are making there. They are referring to the many rumors that Barron Trump might be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Wonkette's official policy on that assertion is that if Barron is indeed autistic (and we don't know if he is or isn't), then we are glad he has an attentive mama who wants the best for him, and otherwise it's irrelevant to the fact that Barron's father is a puss-grabbing failure at life who lost the popular vote. Wonkette's other official policy is that you dickwads need to read the COMMENTING RULES, so you can be reminded how to be sweet and not say unkind shit about the president's young son. You are of course also reminded that if you would like to talk really cruel shit about any of the Trump children, Donald Jr., Eric and Ivanka are absolutely fair game. But not Tiffany, because the family rejects her so much she doesn't even get to do Russia crime, and not Barron, because he's a LITTLE BOY, YOU ASSHOLES.

We can also report that Melania and Barron had a nice Mother's Day, featuring a silly mother/son photo shoot at Trump Tower or Mar-a-Lago or some other gold-plated place the Trumps own:

Donald Trump celebrated Mother's Day by being the great and fun-loving dad who took that picture and probably many others too, haha just kidding, Donald Trump was playing golf in Virginia yesterday because he's a smutty piece of trash who has to be reminded he has a wife and a child.

Anyway, Wonkette wishes young Barron many happy days at his new school, which according to the WaPo is very nice. It has a two-story library! Donald Trump would have a lot of fun there, just kidding the president doesn't read books and would totally hate a library with two floors, because A) he is stupid and doesn't like books and 2) he's scared of stairs, ALLEGEDLY.

The point of this post is if you fuckers make mean jokes about Barron in the comments, we will kick your ass, because that is UNALLOWED, just like the comments section, which doesn't even exist. Just talk about how Barron's dad may or may not ALLEGEDLY be into Russian pee hookers, because we heard a thing about that one time.

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[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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