'10 Things I Want To Know About Bill Clinton's Penis': A Story By Brett Kavanaugh
Did you hear the one about how, on top of everything else, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh is gross? No, we don't mean how he doesn't have a chin but does have three thousand foreheads. But that's a thing. And we don't mean how he just hates Roe v. Wade and Obergefell but loves Antonin Scalia's dissents, because to him, the Constitution is more dead than Antonin Scalia after a pillow accident. But that's a thing. And we aren't talking about how he has such a Daddy Issues view of presidential power that he doesn't even think presidents should be investigated. But this is related to that!
You see, he doesn't think presidents should be investigated anymore. He used to be totally DTF for a good presidential investigation, though, especially when he was working with Kenneth Starr on examining the rings on Bill Clinton's penis to see if he had sex with that lady, Monica Lewinsky.
The Washington Post reports that Kavanaugh wrote a memo in 1998 that was a bit harsh even for many of his colleagues, because whereas some of them didn't want to know every single dirty detail about Bill Clinton's penis, Kavanaugh wanted to dive onto that dick head first. He was Hungry Hungry Hippos, for knowledge of Bill Clinton's dick! Clinton's dick was the all you can eat buffet at Ryan's Family Steakhouse, and Brett Kavanaugh was there for the Early Bird Special! If Brett Kavanaugh was stranded in the desert, sexxxy knowledge about Bill Clinton's dick was the oasis Kavanaugh would hallucinate about one million times, and he would exclaim, "I have found the Fountain Of Bill Clinton's Dick! Verily, we will no longer starve in the desert!" (And then he would die in the desert, we guess, because Clinton's dick was just a thirsty fantasy.)
Anyway, this memo:
Kavanaugh, as associate counsel in the office of independent counsel Kenneth W. Starr, wrote in the memo that he was "strongly opposed" to giving Clinton any "break" and suggested 10 questions, including: "If Monica Lewinsky says that you inserted a cigar into her vagina while you were in the Oval Office area, would she be lying?"
Oh that's nice. The memo says Kavanaugh wanted to ask these tough questions if Clinton wasn't wiliing to either resign or confess to saying perjury about whether or not he had sexual relations with that woman and make his dick apologize. Kavanaugh wrote that he had "bent over backwards" to be gentle with Clinton's dick, but he had had it up to here with Clinton's dick, so it was time to get rough with Clinton's dick. He wrote that any more Mr. Nice Guy behavior toward Clinton's dick would be "abhorrent."
If Monica Lewinsky says that on several occasions in the Oval Office area, you used your fingers to stimulate her vagina and bring her to orgasm, would she be lying?
If Monica Lewinsky says that you ejaculated into her mouth on two occasionals in the Oval Office area, would she be lying?
If Monica Lewinsky says that on several occasions you had her give [you] oral sex, made her stop, and then ejaculated into the sink in the bathroom of hte Oval Office, would she be lying?
If Monica Lewinsky says that you masturbated into a trashcan in your secretary's office, would she [be] lying?
Did Clinton jizz into her mouth? Did he jizz all over the South? Did he jizz into the sink? Did he jizz all over twinks? Did he jizz into the trash? Did his jizz make markets crash?
JESUS, PERVERT DR. SEUSS, RENT A PORNO. (That's what they did in 1998. They had to watch their naughty movies on a DVD, which they had to get at a store. Remember that next time you start saying shit like, "Oh I would have survived the Oregon Trail, easy.")
According to WaPo, Robert Bittman, one of Ken Starr's deputies, says Kavanaugh regretted the "tone" of this memo, and that he had only written it that way because he had
RAGING FUCKING WOOD OVER BILL CLINTON'S PENIS been "sleep deprived."
The point is that back in 1998 Brett Kavanaugh was willing to swim uphill both ways in a river of jizz to impeach the president over getting a blowjob in the Oval, but now he believes presidents, presumably including the lawless anti-American criminal who nominated his gigantic forehead to the Supreme Court, shouldn't even be subject to investigation, because he's a fucking partisan hack.
Also he wants to take away your abortion rights and did we say the thing about his forehead?
Call your senators, especially if your senator is Stupid Susan Collins, who, as always, is brand new at this.
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