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Did you hear the one about how, on top of everything else, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh is gross? No, we don't mean how he doesn't have a chin but does have three thousand foreheads. But that's a thing. And we don't mean how he just hates Roe v. Wade and Obergefell but loves Antonin Scalia's dissents, because to him, the Constitution is more dead than Antonin Scalia after a pillow accident. But that's a thing. And we aren't talking about how he has such a Daddy Issues view of presidential power that he doesn't even think presidents should be investigated. But this is related to that!

You see, he doesn't think presidents should be investigated anymore. He used to be totally DTF for a good presidential investigation, though, especially when he was working with Kenneth Starr on examining the rings on Bill Clinton's penis to see if he had sex with that lady, Monica Lewinsky.


The Washington Post reports that Kavanaugh wrote a memo in 1998 that was a bit harsh even for many of his colleagues, because whereas some of them didn't want to know every single dirty detail about Bill Clinton's penis, Kavanaugh wanted to dive onto that dick head first. He was Hungry Hungry Hippos, for knowledge of Bill Clinton's dick! Clinton's dick was the all you can eat buffet at Ryan's Family Steakhouse, and Brett Kavanaugh was there for the Early Bird Special! If Brett Kavanaugh was stranded in the desert, sexxxy knowledge about Bill Clinton's dick was the oasis Kavanaugh would hallucinate about one million times, and he would exclaim, "I have found the Fountain Of Bill Clinton's Dick! Verily, we will no longer starve in the desert!" (And then he would die in the desert, we guess, because Clinton's dick was just a thirsty fantasy.)

Anyway, this memo:

Kavanaugh, as associate counsel in the office of independent counsel Kenneth W. Starr, wrote in the memo that he was "strongly opposed" to giving Clinton any "break" and suggested 10 questions, including: "If Monica Lewinsky says that you inserted a cigar into her vagina while you were in the Oval Office area, would she be lying?"

Oh that's nice. The memo says Kavanaugh wanted to ask these tough questions if Clinton wasn't wiliing to either resign or confess to saying perjury about whether or not he had sexual relations with that woman and make his dick apologize. Kavanaugh wrote that he had "bent over backwards" to be gentle with Clinton's dick, but he had had it up to here with Clinton's dick, so it was time to get rough with Clinton's dick. He wrote that any more Mr. Nice Guy behavior toward Clinton's dick would be "abhorrent."

If Monica Lewinsky says that on several occasions in the Oval Office area, you used your fingers to stimulate her vagina and bring her to orgasm, would she be lying?

If Monica Lewinsky says that you ejaculated into her mouth on two occasionals in the Oval Office area, would she be lying?

If Monica Lewinsky says that on several occasions you had her give [you] oral sex, made her stop, and then ejaculated into the sink in the bathroom of hte Oval Office, would she be lying?

If Monica Lewinsky says that you masturbated into a trashcan in your secretary's office, would she [be] lying?

Did Clinton jizz into her mouth? Did he jizz all over the South? Did he jizz into the sink? Did he jizz all over twinks? Did he jizz into the trash? Did his jizz make markets crash?

JESUS, PERVERT DR. SEUSS, RENT A PORNO. (That's what they did in 1998. They had to watch their naughty movies on a DVD, which they had to get at a store. Remember that next time you start saying shit like, "Oh I would have survived the Oregon Trail, easy.")

According to WaPo, Robert Bittman, one of Ken Starr's deputies, says Kavanaugh regretted the "tone" of this memo, and that he had only written it that way because he had RAGING FUCKING WOOD OVER BILL CLINTON'S PENIS been "sleep deprived."

The point is that back in 1998 Brett Kavanaugh was willing to swim uphill both ways in a river of jizz to impeach the president over getting a blowjob in the Oval, but now he believes presidents, presumably including the lawless anti-American criminal who nominated his gigantic forehead to the Supreme Court, shouldn't even be subject to investigation, because he's a fucking partisan hack.

Also he wants to take away your abortion rights and did we say the thing about his forehead?

Call your senators, especially if your senator is Stupid Susan Collins, who, as always, is brand new at this.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

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[Washington Post / the memo]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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