Bring Me The Head Of Tom Daschle
By the Comics Curmudgeon
DAMN YOU, CRUEL FATE! The greatest cartoon-related controversy since a bunch of pissed-off dudes in Pakistan burned down a KFC to protest the marriage of Elizabeth to Anthony in For Better Or For Worse, the Great Obama-As-A-Dead-Monkey Contretemps Of Ought-Nine, has come and gone before your Comics Curmudgeon could get hold of it! And apparently the cartoonist also loves to portray the gays as mincing about with a toe stuck up just so, and also fucking sheep! I have to say that all the other, lesser cartoons sure looked bland this week by comparison. So today we're going to play a little game called Could This Cartoon Be Improved With A Racist Monkey Or Mincing Gay?
Click on the cartoon to make it larger! Sadly, you will need to use Photoshop to add a racist monkey or mincing gay.
The concept: Poor corrupt Roland Burris is being pulled down into the morass of terrible corruption that is Rod Blagojevich's hair! Because Blagojevich's hair is quite fluffy and distinctive ... and corrupt.
Could this cartoon be improved with a racist monkey or mincing gay? Well, what if Burris were at a gay disco (you know, where the gays go to party) and they were mincing around and pulled Burris down into their gay mince-pile? That would pretty much be the definition of "corruption," amiright? Sure, it wouldn't really make much sense, but it at least would be more interesting than yet another "Ha ha Rod Blagojevich's hair" joke.
The concept: Sinister necromancer Barack Obama has a plan to cheat in the 2010 census: he will raise up an army of Chicago zombies, who will be registered to vote by ACORN and then will approve his socialisms, as long as he keeps them fed with government-subsidized brains!
Could this cartoon be improved with a racist monkey or mincing gay? Perhaps if the zombies were monkey zombies? And then they danced around behind him like the zombies in the "Thriller" video, because ... um ... Michael Jackson is black?
The concept: On her first trip abroad, a lovely poofy-sleeved Hillary Clinton is led around the dance floor by a dashing Asian gentlemen. Nearby, Kim Jong Il glowers jealously as he dances with an enormous, whorish dildo.
Could this cartoon be improved with a racist monkey or mincing gay? Why, if that Eastern fellow were to stick one toe into the air, he would be immediately transformed into a hilarious homosexual! For the Celestials are mostly effeminate, you see! And what with the rumors of Hillary's proclivities, why, it would be "lavender diplomacy!" Oh, how droll.
The concept: Obama's supporters (other than the wealthy academics) were mostly impoverished dirtbags like this fellow here. Their Dear Leader has now been voted into office, but he has abandoned them to the streets, where they must beg for meager coins from the few Americans who are still employed.
Could this cartoon be improved with a racist monkey or mincing gay? What if this hobo were a representative of that slightly higher class of street beggar, the organ grinder? Then he could have a little racist Obama-monkey on a leash, begging for "change"! Ha ha, get it? Because Obama's black! I'm actually terrified to do any kind of Google search for this because I'm almost certain that someone, somewhere has actually drawn it.
The concept: Barack Obama wanders into Afghanistan with his toy cannon, offering a terrorist fist bump to nobody in particular.
Could this cartoon be improved with a racist monkey or mincing gay? It's really too bad that Obama isn't pushing to get rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell at the moment, because then there could be a mincing gay in uniform waiting to return his fist bump, and he'd be all like "Hey, girlfriend! We're totally going to beat the Taliban and be home in time for fashion week! Two snaps up!" Ha, it's funny because the gays want to join the military, even though they're gay!
The concept: Tom Daschle's weeping, severed head, still wearing a nametag and those bizarre red glasses, has been preserved in a glass jar for all eternity.
Could this cartoon be improved with a racist monkey or mincing gay? There is absolutely no way to improve this wonderful, wonderful cartoon.