Bristol Palin Shocked To Learn She Is A Idiot

Portrait of the idiot in her natural surroundings.

Commenters, we need to ask you a question, and we PROMISE we will not get mad. Has somebody out there been doing some rogue, face-to-face guerilla Wonkette-ing? Because somebody marched right into the medical office where Bristol Palin works when she's not showing off her baby bump for money at abstinence conferences or poorly dancing on reality television, and said, RIGHT TO HER FACE, that she is A Idiot. And she was stunned! Why would this mean lady say such a true thing, right to her?

I took a patient back to an exam room, and set up for for a procedure the dr was about to do. (I promise I really do work a normal job, and have for a while.) I was making small talk with the patient while filing out notes… She asked how long I had been there. I told her around 6.5 years, but I had left for school, and done other short term “things” but always came back… She said she had never seen me there before. She goes on to say that she had heard “Bristol Palin had worked there,” and I just kind of laughed.  I didn’t say a word.  (I never do! DWTS/reality shows – that kind of stuff is so embarrassing for me!!!) Anyways, what was strange about this incident was that the patient continued. She then told me that, “it was a long time ago, when her mom was running. She didn’t work here long.” I still didn’t say a word.

She then tells me, “but Bristol Palin is such an idiot!”

I about died!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should’ve asked why she said that.

I’m sure she would’ve said something like, “well she’s such a whore” .. That’s all people can revert back to, you know?

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OK, maybe it wasn't a rogue Wonker, because no Wonker would say "an idiot," as it is not house style. And we must quibble with the idea that calling Bristol a whore is "all people can revert back to, you know?" It's as if she doesn't even read Wonkette, that lazy ass. And honestly, as Wonkette is a Sex Positive Mommyblog, we would have NO PROBLEM with Bristol getting all the tail she wants, married or not, if she wasn't A HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE WHO SHILLS FOR ABSTINENCE AND JUDGES PEOPLE FOR BEING HOMOSEXXXY.

So Bristol looked right at that lady and said that was very mean, as she is pretty sure she is Bristol Palin and HOW RUDE! And then this happened:

Her face went white!!!

Like I’m sure the biggest foot you could’ve ever put in your mouth just happened!!

Nope, definitely not a Wonker. A Wonker would never let her face go "white!!!" and "I'm sure the biggest foot you could've ever put in your mouth just happened!!" For one thing, Wonkers are literate people and wouldn't phrase their embarrassment in such a grammatically awkward way.

But, for Bristol's sake, we will use the scientific method to find out if, SCIENCE FACT, that lady is correct and Bristol is A Idiot.


Bristol is A Idiot and also a hypocritical asshole.

Now let's TEST that hypothesis, by picking out the Top Ten Most Recent Times Bristol Was A Idiot.

This is so easy, because all we have to do is go into the Wonk archives and see if we can find Bristol Saying A Smart. Let's go!

  • Just the other day, Bristol was all mad and jealous about teenage girls getting birth control, instead of doing the sexxxy abstinence what's put the babies in her own Palin butt. Sounds like pretty much A Idiot so far.
  • Bristol thinks Hillary Clinton is terrified of her horrid mother. This is not true. Annoyed by Sarah Palin? Yes. Fully aware that Sarah leads a brigade of morons who eat paste, loudly, on the Fox News Network? Ayup. But not terrified.
  • Remember that time President Obama BLOCKED A SMALL CHILD ON TWITTER, just because that small child is a mini-wingnut-in-training? Bristol was GRRR MAD enough to get pregnant about it! But alas, no. That did not happen. Three stories in and Bristol is looking like A Idiot to us!
  • Remember that time Bristol told us she is just so worried that her little boy, Bucket or whatever his name is, might get arrested for playing with a Nerf gun, just like how Ahmed Mohamed got arrested for being a Muslim science nerd? Bristol just KNOWS this is what happens in U.S. America, and she's terrified! But she doesn't think the Ahmed thing was about race or religion, no siree boy. She was also mad young Ahmed got invited to the White House, but she didn't. :(
  • Sound the alarms, Bristol! The Chinese navy is coming fer to git us!
  • Bristol Palin is the only motherfucker in all of Alaska who doesn't know that Alaskans have always called their big mountain "Denali." Even her word-salad-with-smegma-dressing mother Sarah Palin is on tape, calling it Denali.
  • Bristol knows President Obama is a MUCH BIGGER quitter/grifter/lazyass moocher than her mom.
  • Bristol, GRRR MAD again, this time because those humorless scolds at Funny Or Die thought it would be a neat idea to  make a video about all the wonderful things Planned Parenthood does, when it's CLEAR that the only thing Planned Parenthood does good is sell dead baby parts on Etsy. (That is not true. Those videos are bullshit.)
  • Bristol explains feminism, by giving Donald Trump a reach around.
  • This is the tenth one, and we said "ten," so let's close with the biggest one of all: Remember how, again, Bristol has shilled for abstinence for the Candie's Foundation, bringing in a whopping $262,500 in 2009? And remember how Bristol is about to pop another baby out, out of wedlock, due to she doesn't seem to know how babbies are made?

JESUS PALL-MALL-SMOKING CHRIST! And those are all from 2015! We didn't even have space to get into the Drunken Palin Family Brawl of 2014. Need more cases of Bristol Is A Idiot? Just click here! 

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Let's see what we've learned!

We have learned that our hypothesis is 100 percent correct, that Bristol Palin is an unrestrained A Idiot, and also a hypocritical asshole. But we know that we are just one scientist and for this to REALLY be proven, we should submit it for peer review. Congratulations, Wonkers, you get to be our peers! Pore over our data and let us know if you scientifically agree that Bristol is A Idiot in the comments, which are (JUST THIS ONE TIME, FOR SCIENCE) briefly allowed.

[Bristol's blog]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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