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British Politicians Rewarded With Plane Crashes, Street Fights and Dog Attacks

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How'sthe polling going over on the crime-ridden alcoholic colony known as the British Isles? Not too good! Here are some actual news reports from Queen Elizabeth's version of CNN, "the Beeb," about how nature/fate is treating the various sods running for election today:


  • Labour candidate Joe Benton "had the tip of his finger bitten off by what he claims was a pitbull terrier type dog while campaigning in his constituency." Several chavs were arrested by bobbies.
  • British National Party anti-brown-people wingnut Nick Griffin Bob Bailey attacked a bunch of what the British call "Asians," which usually means "Pakistani guys." But first, they cussed him out and threw fruit at BNP's leader, Nick Griffin. We think. This is very confusing! So confusing that we will link to The Sun's version of events.
  • UK Independence Party wingnut leader Nigel Farage planned to harass voters in Northamptonshire by aeroplane, which would also be dragging a banner for his wingnut party. Instead, the plane immediately crashed. Farage is alive, and the innocent pilot is said to be recovering in hospital.
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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

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SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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