Bryan Fischer Has Exciting Theory: Constitution Only Allows Laws God Would Approve Of


Would you believe that we have not brought you the thought-like pronouncements of the American Patriarchy Association's Bryan Fischersince December? Too long! And it seems that Mr. Fischer has continued a little further down the tracks that he was laying last time, when he said that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, because the Constitution is a magically Christian document (and it also includes Christmas, because "any date with A.D" = Jesus). So now, Fischer has just plain decided that since the words "separation of church and state" don't actually appear in the Constitution, U.S. America is actually a theocracy, just like the Founding Pastors wanted it to be. And therefore, the only laws that can actually be passed are laws that God approves of, and the Supreme Court be damned (which they already are, you just know it). It's kind of cool to see someone simply reject what the rest of us drones call reality and develop their own Unified Theory of Derp.

Y'see, how we got here is that Fischer is taking America's founding document, the New Testament, and applying it to how things should work today. And since Romans 13 explains that all public officials are "ministers of God" whose exercise of civil authority is an earthly version of God's authority, all elected officials (the Bible has a whole lot of stuff about elections, we're pretty sure) must therefore have "a responsibility to use that authority in a manner that is consistent with the truth of God." That's a pretty impressive parsing of a passage that exhorts people to submit to governing authorities and to pay their taxes -- it says more about the duty to obey civil authorities, since God instituted governments, than it does about civil authorities submitting to God.

Obviously, it just makes sense that gay marriage is simply impossible -- it cannot be done. Civil authorities are actually incapable of making any laws that conflict with Bryan Fischer's version of God's Law, because what kind of sense would that even make? Oh sure, they can pass "laws" allowing same-sex marriage, but don't you see, those are not actually LAW-laws, because they conflict with God's law, which says No Buttsexing. To pretend otherwise is to say the Earth circles the Sun, or that bats are not a kind of bird, or that insects have more than 4 legs.

Fischer explains that it's quite simple: the gays should never expect to be treated like normal people, because in the legal theory of Bryan Fischer,

the responsibility of those in civil authority is to only approve that which God approves and to stand against that which He rejects":

Pretty darn simple if you ask us. The only obvious solution is to get rid of the so-called "laws" that conflict with God's Word, like elections and representative governments, and to institute a hereditary monarchy like we're meant to have. Here, just watch the video so Bryan can explain it to you:

Also, remember that Article VI of the Constitution, which bans religious tests for office, is automatically revised to mean "no religious tests that conflict with the New Testament," because a higher authority, the Bible, says that officeholders are ministers of God anyway, so it makes no sense to have Jews or Muslims or the wrong stripe of Christians in Congress.


Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He refuses to blog on any topic that Bryan Fischer approves of.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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