Bryan Fischer Revises Christian Teaching On Wealth, Explains Poors Should 'Kiss The Ground' Where 1% Walk
Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
And lo, the prophet Bryan, Fischer of Men, did speak to the people Tuesday through their radios, and he did say, "Now just wait a darn minute... have you thought this through? The rich pay for everything, so just you knock off your class warfare, Jesus."
So to celebrate Tax Day, the spokesman for the American Patriarchy Association explained that he'd read (or seen a link to, let's be honest) a Wall Street Journal piece about how 1% of taxpayers pay almost 30% of federal tax revenue, and by golly, he had a message for all the takers out there, and also, apparently, for his Lord and Saviour:
“The top 1 percent are funding 30 percent of the government!” the radio host explained. “So, rather than the poor, the low income and the middle class being resentful of these people, they should be kissing the ground on which they walk!”
“Who’s paying for the EBT cards? Who’s paying for food stamps? Who’s paying for the women and infant children program? Who’s paying for subsidized housing? Who’s paying for Medicaid? It is the top 1 percent,” he continued.
“So, they ought to be given ticker-tape parades once a week in all of our major cities to thank them for funding welfare for everybody.”
In addition, Fischer railed against the "involuntary transfer of wealth" through taxation, complaining "That makes us a socialist country. This is Marxism on display.”
Fischer did not attempt to reconcile his advocacy of the 1% with the Gospel of Mark, but we're pretty sure he would explain that Jesus was only talking about private acts of generosity, and that while it's good for the rich to voluntarily give up a little of their wealth, especially to fund the important work of the American Family Association, it is in fact theft for the government to help the poor, who really should get off their asses and contribute something to the world for a change.
Fischer then left the studio and strangled a leper who'd leaned against his car.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He can cite scripture to his purpose. But at least he knows that's Shakespeare, not the Bible.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.