Bush Commutes Captain America's Sentence
The official story was that Captain America, Nazi-fighting comic hero and symbol of America's love of primary colors and muscle definition, had been killed by an unidentified sniper -- though rumors circulated that he'd shot himself in disgrace after realizing the extent of the crimes of those he'd so publicly cozied up with. The sad truth came more than a month later.
America's most effective non-Atomic killer of Japanese people had, in fact, disappeared to Florida, disguised himself as a mild-mannered Brevard County doctor, and gone on a bender with a number of other semi-retired superheroes. The lost weekend led to a nightmarish April pub crawl that ended in disgrace, with the Captain stuffing a burrito in his already skin-tight costume and forcing a horrified woman to touch it. The cops intervened, and the Captain, his powers diluted with drunk and shame, was thrown in jail.
This week, though, Florida authorities announced that in a rare show of post-9/11 mercy, Captain America will receive no jail time. He will, instead, "take part in a diversion program for first time offenders," which means drug tests and community service. Sources close to the case say the deal was cut in exchange for the Captain's silence regarding what he knows of the illegal actions of the Justice Department during his tenure as a special aide to SecDef Rumsfeld.