President Bush did a pretty good job of not explaining his plans to overhaul Social Security last night, but he did an even better job of not explaining his proposed energy bill. How exactly will his plan reduce energy costs? After the jump, we consider the President's strategy in greater detail.
Build new nuclear power plants: Studies show that old VW hippie wagons account for approximately 17% of all gas usage in the U.S. The fastest way to get these ozone-killers off the road is to build new nuclear power plants. More nuclear plants mean more round-the-clock silent vigil protests, and more round-the-clock silent vigil protests mean fewer hippie wagons in transit.
Make rich oil companies richer: Let's face it. Few people are ever going to start driving their cars less because it's the environmentally correct thing to do. But if people get so pissed off at oil industry fats cats, who made over $60 billion in after-tax profits in 2003, they might just stop driving out of spite. To encourage this possibility, President Bush wants to give the oil companies closed military bases so they can build new refineries, plus over $8 billion in tax cuts and subsidies.
Get rid of all the old people: Lots of heat in the winter. Lots of air conditioning in the summer. Old people consume way too much energy. Eliminate them, and the energy crisis solves itself. Of course, you can't just eliminate old people with a magic wand. That's why it's so important to cut Medicaid and dismantle Social Security as soon as possible. — GREG BEATO
Bush Is Blowing Smoke on Energy [Business Week]
Define Gouging, Mr. President [AmericaBlog]