And Now, Scott Pruitt, Is When You GTFO
OH, NOES! The Titanic of Grift has finally hit the iceberg and is quickly sinking into the briny deep. Or as the Very Serious Thinkers at the Wall Street Journal put it, DEEP STATE PROGRESSIVES MURDERED SCOTT PRUITT FOR THE CRIME OF BEING TOO GOOD AT POLLUTION!
Of course! It had nothing to do with the hundreds of thousands of dollars in first-class airfare, the 19-person, 24/7 security detail with 19 tricked out vehicles, the unauthorized $43,000 cone of silence so no one could listen to him have phone sex with Big Oil, the use of flashing lights and sirens so Pruitt's motorcade could cut through DC traffic and get to dinner on time, and the boondoggle trip for Pruitt and the rest of his Oklahoma Posse to Paris and Morocco for a little EPA-sponsored sightseeing and natural gas lobbying.
LOL, remember that time when Scott Pruitt was a-skeered and hiding in his office because someone drew a mustache his face when he was on the cover of Newsweek? Good times!
(Gosh, did Hugh Hewitt forget again to mention that his son works at the EPA? Guess it doesn't matter now that NBC shitcanned him for failing to comply with company ethics policy. SAD.)
Forget about Pruitt sidelining career officials and bringing in a bunch of twenty-somethings from Oklahoma who barely showed up for work. Forget that he raided clean-water funds to give his pals huge raises, even after the White House told him NFW. Forget that he went on television and lied about it, and even the Fox guy was like CUT THE SHIT, SCOTTY! Deep Staters just hate him because he strikes a blow against the tyranny of tofu tampons and American kids who want to go all day without sucking on albuterol inhaler.
Forget that he "ratfucked" those same Oklahoma pals once they testified against him to the House, about how he had them scrub his calendars, among other illegal things. Now that he's gone, we'll miss his little foibles. Like sending his staff out to search for that special Ritz-Carlton lube to tame his gross alligator skin. Or getting EPA employees to phone up Chik-fil-A's corporate headquarters so the lovely Marlyn Pruitt could start putting her expired nursing license to good use and kick up some cash for all the bills they couldn't somehow fob off on taxpayers. Or everyone's favorite, the Trump hotel used jizz mattress!
There were so, so many more scandals, and so, so many investigations. We haven't even gotten into the $50/night lobbyist condo scam. But we are frankly sick of this bastard and wish him gone. And also a little nauseous -- EWW EWW EWW that mattress story!
So we'll leave you with this deep thought from Federalist darling Mollie Hemingway.
Let us know in the comments if you figure out what the hell she's even talking about.
Anyway, big Mazel Tov to all of you who coordinated the #bootpruitt movement. (It was Trix.)
Catch you later at the Soros Happy Hour Kiddush and Flag Burning. Manischewitz for the masses!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.