CA GOP Gov Candidate Has Learned A Lot From Being Sex Offender Who Killed A Guy
This gentleman with the iffily tucked in shirt is Mr. Glenn Champ, candidate for the Republican gubernatorial primary in California. He is holding a staff, with which he will make "the crooked places straight and the rough places smooth," according to hismust-read campaign website. Srsly, check it out. It is genius, from its fresh-off-Geocities design to the word-salad text explaining why he's running. You see, he's on a mission from God:
CHAMP represents a new breed of Christian soldier moving forward in the army of the lord, on the highway of righteousness, stomping on the devil’s head, with a new song of righteousness’s in our hearts. Amen. As a man of God, he is going back to fix the crooked places that have led to our current catastrophe.
Oh, and also, the Los Angeles Times adds that he's a "registered sex offender who spent more than a decade in state prison, convicted of crimes including voluntary manslaughter and assault with intent to commit rape." So, you know, a well-rounded individual. Needless to say, Yr. Wonkette endorses him in the California GOP primary, as well as any other in the land.
Champ, who spoke for ten minutes at the California Republican Party's semiannual convention last week, admits he's had a little trouble with the law, like the whole sex offender thing, but he explains that the 1993 conviction on two counts of assault with intent to commit rape, which landed him on the sex offender registry, looks a lot worse than it really was, because, see, it "was just for picking up some underage prostitutes." Plus, after that he found Jesus and turned his life around, except for the 1998 plea deal on loitering to solicit a prostitute, and then also the voluntary manslaughter conviction that same year for hitting a man with his vehicle, which again sounds far less terrible in his telling:
"There was a situation where the gentleman, he was a little bit drunk and was trying to get violent and I left the area as quick as I could and apparently he got in the way. I didn't see him or even know I hit him until about four hours later, till it came on the news," Champ said.
But let's get back to how he's a good person now, because he found Jesus after doing 90 days for the thing with the underage prostitutes:
"I found the Lord when I got arrested for picking up the prostitutes," Champ said. "I was like most people, ignorant in the darkness, in the very dark. I had no peace, had no love, had no joy. And now I do. Praise God for that…. I've grown considerably since I met Christ."
Also, too, he thinks that all this experience with the penal system will just make him a better governor. You see, the California legislature is full of criminals, because it's always interfering with the Constitution, or at least the only part of it that matters, which is the Second Amendment. And so his time in prison will be of great help to him as he shanks the Legislature:
"I know what the criminal mind thinks, and I know how it works and I know how to stop it, and that's something [other politicians] don't get," Champ said.
Strangely, his website doesn't mention these strengths, but it does feature this artful biographical snippet:
He graduated from Sierra High school, college poly science, and would not stand for the unbiblical, communist, socialist, curriculum brain washing in college.
That's a heck of a principled reason for dropping out of college, when you think about it. Also, he promises that when he defeats Jerry Brown and becomes Governor, you're going to see some real changes in all aspects of California life:
As a man of God and an Evangelical Christian believer, CHAMP's faith "compels me to support Biblical traditional family values". The gubernatorial candidate opposed what he called, "ungodly legislation drafted by demonic terrorist extremists own agenda", that refuse to follow the Biblical or constitution guide lines. This will involve a total overhaul of court house, school house, and church house!
Look, if you can't trust a "former G-man,* welder, mechanic and contract firefighter" who found Jesus after trying to hire teenaged prostitutes and later killing a guy, who can you trust?
* We're pretty sure he was never in the FBI, so maybe he just sang in that key. Or he really likes playing Half-Life.
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