Michael Cohen Is Ready For His Close-Up

Get it all out, buddy!

OOOOOH, SPILL IT HONEY! Michael Cohen has agreed to testify publicly before the House Oversight Committee about all Trump's dirrrrty filthy secrets. Well, not all of them. Chairman Elijah Cummings isn't trying to kneecap Robert Mueller's investigation like a common Trey Gowdy or Devin Nunes, so he'll steer clear of the details in the Russia investigation, so we guess we'll have to save getting recommendations for the best AirBnBs in Prague for another day, allegedly. But hinky shit at the Trump Org and the hush money payoffs to all the ladies that Trump bumped his orange bits against are fair game. Bow chicka bow bow! And also EWWWWWWWWW.

Cohen will appear in open session on February 7 "to give a full and credible account of the events which have transpired." And if we might be so bold, Yr Wonkette would like to suggest a question for Chairman Cummings. To wit: Who the hell is Executive 2?

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Oh Great, Democrats Want To Let Americans Vote. What's Next, SOCIALIST TRANSGENDER ARUGULA?

This is what you voted for. Or at least a big chunk of it.

The new Democratic majority in the House of Representatives didn't waste any time getting to work last week. After passing a bill to reopen the government (DOA because no WALL, even though it's identical to a Senate bill that passed unanimously before the shutdown), Dems rolled out "House Bill 1," an ambitious package of election and ethics reforms aimed at making elections fairer and reducing the influence of money on politics. Republicans will never get behind it, but that's kind of the point: to call attention to the differences between the parties on some pretty basic matters of democracy and fairness, and to lay down a marker for what voters can expect Dems to run on in 2020.

It's also a pretty big departure from the Republican House in 2017, whose first legislative achievement was making it easier for people declared mentally incompetent to buy guns.

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ONE DOLLAR, BOB! Wonkagenda For Fri., Jan. 4, 2019

Nancy Pelosi starts the 116th Congress off with a bang, and Trump loves Vladimir Putin's revisionist history. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Sheldon Whitehouse wants YOU to stop being a fucking pushover, and he ain't talking to Nancy Pelosi!

Sup, Sheldon Whitehouse of Rhode Island, cracking the DOMINATRIX KITTY WHIP at all of us and WE LIKE IT?

Twice, in 2000 and 2016, Democrats won the popular presidential vote, saw a Republican president sworn in, and went ahead without fussing much over the legitimacy of a president who lost the popular vote. We tend to care about process and respect rules. Imagine if President Obama had lost the popular vote and been sworn in. There'd never have been an end to it.

Republicans invented BirtherGate and simply refused to work with Obama, as if he were illegitimate, when he was a popular president who had really won—by a lot.

Five Republican justices on the Supreme Court gave a 5-4 decision unleashing partisan gerrymandering on the country, and the Republican Party instantly implemented its REDMAP project. REDMAP launched a new model of gerrymandering: gerrymander the big swing states to get the biggest Republican delegation you can, not to protect individual Republican members. Ironically, that meant creating some bombproof, highly-Democratic districts. Super-saturating those few Democratic districts left a statewide voter pool that could be gerrymandered into Republican districts everywhere else. Did it work? In 2012, Democrats won more overall votes than Republicans did in Pennsylvania, but Republicans had packed those Democratic voters so heavily into five districts that Republicans won all remaining thirteen districts. Pennsylvania's statewide vote, Democrat by a small margin; Pennsylvania's delegation in Congress, 13-5 Republican.

That helped Republicans gain the House of Representatives by 33 votes, even though Republicans lost the country by a million House votes overall. Had Democrats been the overall losers, yet through gerrymandering controlled the House, do you think Republicans would have let the public forget that, or conceded the legitimacy of the "majority"? Fat chance.

Over in the Senate, the advantage to small Republican states is baked in to the Constitution. The result is that in the current Congress, Democrats in the Senate represent about 40 million more Americans than the Republican "majority." Were the shoe on the other foot, every American would know about it.

You go read now, about how we shit the bed in our fights on climate change, dark money, and immigration reform, because we're askeered Breitbart might ACORN us, and how it is time to STAND UP AND SHOUT and stop LETTING FOX NEWS SAY WHAT IS TRUTH. We will here refrain from purity-testing Chuck Schumer's ass out as minority leader, oh wait no we won't, GO WAY CHUCK SCHUMER SHELDON WHITEHOUSE GETS YOUR JOB.

Been wanting to start your monthly donation for Wonkette since I yelled and screamed at you earlier this month and you felt really bad? Well, our donation widget is fixed! Christmas miracle hooray!

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Trump Foundation Dissolved Like It Was Dipped In Hot Tub Of Acid

God, these guys are crooks.

Not so long ago, back in June, we reported that the state of New York was suing the president's ... well, it's too charitable to call it a "charity," so we'll go with "crooked-ass scam," the Donald J. Trump Foundation. New York Attorney General Barbara Underwood came out swinging and declared that the foundation was "little more than a checkbook for payments from Mr. Trump or his businesses to nonprofits, regardless of their purpose of legality." Trump insisted he'd never settle this case, and now six months later, Underwood has announced, with her tail between her legs, that the grifter in chief has agreed to dissolve the Trump Foundation and give away its remaining funds. Aren't you tired of winning yet, Donald?

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Superlawyer Rudy Giuliani Is Ready To Confess. Again.

That's the sound of a thousand lawyers banging their heads on the wall.

Rudy Giuliani has A PLAN. Were you thinking that he just goes on television every Sunday and shouts whatever random incriminating shit pops into his bad brain at the time? Nope! If you compare the transcripts from his Fox and ABC hits from yeserday, you'll see that Rudy gave exactly the same interview, in the exact same order, twice -- once to George Stephanopoulos, and once to Chris Wallace. He's actually doing this on purpose!

Yeah, it's a really BAD PLAN. But, sure, fine, let's play along. Tell us, Rudy, what were the five talking points you were dispatched to barf out on national teevee on Sunday morning? Inquiring minds want to know!

1. Michael Cohen Tells Lies

Rudy Giuliani has news for you, America, and it is that Michael Cohen, the guy who just pleaded guilty to lying to Congress, is a bad lawyer who tells lies and tapes his clients, unlike Donald Trump, who is known for his sincerity and scrupulous honesty.

Here's the president's lawyer on Fox:

The president is telling the truth, yes. This man is lying.

Now, is that a big surprise to you that Michael Cohen is lying? The man got up in front of the judge and said I was a fiercely loyal to Donald Trump. Nonsense he was fiercely loyal to him, he taped him, lied to him, revealed the tape and did something a lawyer I've never heard ever did -- tape record his own client.

And here he is on ABC:

Well, the president said that's false. And [Cohen] said it was false under oath. He said it was false in his tape recorded conversation with Chris Cuomo. He said it was false on five other tape recorded conversations. He said on those tape recorded conversations that he did it on his own to start and then he brought it to the president and then the president reimbursed him.

Clear as a bell under oath, must have said it 10 times.

OK, now he says the opposite. You're going to tell me which is the truth? I think I know what the truth is. But unless you're god, this man you will never know what the truth is. He lies to fit the situation he's in.

See, Michael Cohen is a liar, so ipso facto res ipsa loquitur anything he taped is obviously UNTRUE. (It makes sense if you eat a pile of paint chips and take a huge bong rip first.) So that recording of Trump planning the payment to AMI for Karen McDougal's story just proves that he only discussed it once, and then immediately forgot about it.

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