Rudy Giuliani has A PLAN. Were you thinking that he just goes on television every Sunday and shouts whatever random incriminating shit pops into his bad brain at the time? Nope! If you compare the transcripts from his Fox and ABC hits from yeserday, you'll see that Rudy gave exactly the same interview, in the exact same order, twice -- once to George Stephanopoulos, and once to Chris Wallace. He's actually doing this on purpose!

Yeah, it's a really BAD PLAN. But, sure, fine, let's play along. Tell us, Rudy, what were the five talking points you were dispatched to barf out on national teevee on Sunday morning? Inquiring minds want to know!

1. Michael Cohen Tells Lies

Rudy Giuliani has news for you, America, and it is that Michael Cohen, the guy who just pleaded guilty to lying to Congress, is a bad lawyer who tells lies and tapes his clients, unlike Donald Trump, who is known for his sincerity and scrupulous honesty.

Here's the president's lawyer on Fox:

The president is telling the truth, yes. This man is lying.

Now, is that a big surprise to you that Michael Cohen is lying? The man got up in front of the judge and said I was a fiercely loyal to Donald Trump. Nonsense he was fiercely loyal to him, he taped him, lied to him, revealed the tape and did something a lawyer I've never heard ever did -- tape record his own client.

And here he is on ABC:

Well, the president said that's false. And [Cohen] said it was false under oath. He said it was false in his tape recorded conversation with Chris Cuomo. He said it was false on five other tape recorded conversations. He said on those tape recorded conversations that he did it on his own to start and then he brought it to the president and then the president reimbursed him.

Clear as a bell under oath, must have said it 10 times.

OK, now he says the opposite. You're going to tell me which is the truth? I think I know what the truth is. But unless you're god, this man you will never know what the truth is. He lies to fit the situation he's in.

See, Michael Cohen is a liar, so ipso facto res ipsa loquitur anything he taped is obviously UNTRUE. (It makes sense if you eat a pile of paint chips and take a huge bong rip first.) So that recording of Trump planning the payment to AMI for Karen McDougal's story just proves that he only discussed it once, and then immediately forgot about it.