Can Michelle Obama Show America She's Not Angela Davis & Osama's Satan Child?


Hey everyone. Sorry we have not been on the Internets much! They have... so much... SECURITY at this place -- The Pepsi Center -- as well as LOTS OF CONFUSING AREAS. It's probably much simpler to navigate when the beloved Nuggets basketball team is playing a game here. OMG saw Samuel L. Jackson on the escalator. Oh what's this, now, on the small teevee? It's Michelle Obama's sister, "Craig Robinson!" Let's see what he has to say. Then, his sister's elite Princeton speech about math or whatever.

10:30 -- He's bald and orange-tied! He looks like someone, who is it? That guy from The Wire?

10:30 -- Michelle memorized every episode of The Brady Bunch, a popular show among white people no one, ever.

10:31 -- Michelle Obama wants to help people, says Craig Obama Robinson. 'Murkins don't do that.

10:33 -- He coaches the Oregon State Beavers basketball team. "Go Beavers," he shouts. This will not be enough to convince PUMAs, this vagina joke of Craig's.

10:35 -- "Buy Beavers tickets this winter," Craig says, and then he introduces his sister, "Marsha Brady."

10:36 -- Ha ha fuckers, we have a copy of Michelle's speech, so we don't even have to watch this. But we don't want to read either, so meh. Oh, a nice blue! Is this a SUN symbol in the center? Heathen. This is not a hot dress. Where's that orange shit, or the purple shit? Those were hot. Oh she comes here as a "Mom," she says. And moms and Democrats wear sky blue with suns on them.

10:37 -- She loves her parents, in Chicago, on the South Side, with the Poors.

10:40 -- "Barack Obama and I so similar. He was raised by grandparents and I was raised by parents. But they were all poor, hmm?"

10:42 -- It is the anniversary of lady's rights and Martin Luther King saving the world. Guess what, we're exactly halfway through!

10:43 -- There's a paragraph about Hillz in a couple paragraphs!

10:45 -- She loves Hillary Clinton, and so does the crowd. They like Michelle's being black, but they also like that Hillary Clinton is a woman. Too bad you can't be each at the same time!

10:47 -- This speech is kind of boring. Can Barry just come out and drain 3's from way downtown?

10:49 -- Barck doesn't care where you're from or "what your background is." Which is why he doesn't honor John McCain's FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. He doesn't see those things.

10:51 -- When you actually see these speeches on paper, you really want a red pen, to cut the superfluous shit. Which is like all of it except for two or three topic sentences.

10:54 -- Oh look, Michelle is done speaking. Oh those girls are adorable. Do they have speeches to give also? We bet they'll be about... Barack Obama understanding people.


10:56 -- We laughed because, um, WHAT?

10:57 -- "Hey Bob, I got this great idea, see. We'll get these little gals on stage in their dresses or whatever kids wear these days, then we'll give the damn wife a microphone, and we'll put their runaway father on the big screen from Missouri, with his ADOPTIVE WHITE FAMILY, the GIRARDOS or something. Then the wife will give the mic to the kids, and they'll interrupt him with, you know, kid shit or whatever, and it'll be cute, people'll love it, won't be awkward."

10:59 -- That was pretty funny when the announcers said, "here's the closing benediction from... DONALD MILLER!" Like, who? Then it was less funny when we all had to stand and pray to Jesus.


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