Can We Please Bring Our Damned Coffee On the Plane Again, Idiots?

Thanks for taking our coffee, Mr. Out of a Jobby! - WonketteYou don't have to be a laboratory scientist or explosives expert to know the "Gatorade/iPod Bomb Plot" was total bullshit from Day One; you just need to be able to read and comprehend the simple explanations provided by said laboratory scientists or explosives experts.

We need to bring our coffee back on the airplanes. We need our laptops and DVD players and iPods on those murderous transatlantic flights. We need you help, Washington media elite, so please join us after the jump.

Feels good to be needed a little bit, doesn't it? Just imagine it's 1960, back when people read newspapers and watched the Nightly News or whatever they did. And then take that fantasy of relevance to the next level and actually do something for America!

Yes, the experts have explained how the whole hair-gel-bomb thing is ludicrous and impossible, a nakedly phony political stunt that worked as planned. We'll even quote a handy summary from British spy and bomb-defuser Lieutenant-Colonel (ret.) Nigel Wylde, in case you're already too drunk to click the link:

"This story has been blown out of all proportion. The liquids would need to be carefully distilled at freezing temperatures to extract the required chemicals, which are very difficult to obtain in the purities needed."

Once the fluids have been extracted, the process of mixing them produces significant amounts of heat and vile fumes. "The resulting liquid then needs some hours at room temperature for the white crystals that are the explosive to develop." The whole process, which can take between 12 and 36 hours, is "very dangerous, even in a lab, and can lead to premature detonation," said Lt. Col. Wylde.

If there was a conspiracy, he added, "it did not involve manufacturing the explosives in the loo," as this simply "could not have worked." The process would be quickly and easily detected. The fumes of the chemicals in the toilet "would be smelt by anybody in the area." They would also inevitably "cause the alarms in the toilet and in the air change system in the aircraft to be triggered. The pilot has the ability to dump all the air from an aircraft as a fire-fighting measure, leaving people to use oxygen masks. All this means the planned attack would be detected long before the queues outside the loo had grown to enormous lengths."

But such knowledge is worthless against the half-retarded lug at the TSA checkpoint who gets a new, equally random list of prohibited items and contradictory "security policies" each morning.

Because until the "Carryon Coffee Is A-OK" story is on Oprah or "Dancing With the Stars" or a bag of potato chips, repeatedly, the TSA goon with the third-grade education is going to do the only thing he or she has been taught to do: scream for a supervisor and the National Guard at the first sign of a passenger "mouthing off," and then go to Subway while you're shipped off to a Syrian CIA prison to be tortured forever.

We ask the Washington Press Corps to please write a bunch of stories about how the "Gatorade/iPod Bomb Plot" is a work of fiction. Write them again and again until they filter down to Jay Leno's funny headline segment. Write them until they appear on the local news promo during the football game. Only then will we be allowed to bring our $4 cup of coffee on the plane. Only then will we be free.

Sources: August terror plot is a 'fiction' underscoring police failures [Raw Story]

Mass murder in the skies: was the plot feasible? [The Register]

Former British Ambassador Says Terror Alert Is Propaganda [ShoutWire]

US delays security for liquid bombs [Boston Globe]

I would happily be blown up rather than see this sh**t. We look and act like pussies [Greatest FARK thread ever]



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