Cartoon Violence: Bloodbath Hangover Edition

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

Hey, everybody! It's the day after the day after the ... uh ... day after election day! That means that we've had three whole days to process, in a thoughtful and intelligent way, the profound political shift that the United States has undergone, and can start talking about the nuances of how our country will be ... naw, just kidding, we've got a bunch of cartoons with donkeys and shit that we're going to make fun of. No election is going to make these people draw any better!

01sun.gifIn a nutshell: The Democrats may have won the Senate and House, but they cannot stop the Earth's rotation!

Point to ponder: Is there really anybody left who would get upset about politics who waits until the next morning to read about it in the paper? Do they have their milk delivered to them glass bottles, too? And go to work in a horse and buggy? LOOOOSERS.

But I really feel sorry for: The dog. He's in the middle of this domestic rage drama and he didn't even get to vote!

03lib.gifIn a nutshell: Lady Liberty, previously thought to be 179,200 pounds of bipartisan copper, now favors the Democrats.

Point to ponder: Can you really get a mug that says "C-SPAN"? Would there be any bigger indicator that you are a huge political junkie dork than having a mug that says "C-SPAN"?

But I really feel sorry for: Whoever has to deliver her forty-foot high newspaper.

04sun.gifIn a nutshell: George Bush cannot stop the Earth's rotation, no matter how much he might like to.

Point to ponder: If Ronald Reagan were reanimated by some sort of sinister voodoo, would his zombified corpse hold a press conference to denouncing this misuse of his patented catch phrase? And then would he go on to try to eat Jim Webb's brain for being a turncoat?

But I really feel sorry for: The sun. It's busy fusing hydrogen to output energy and keep you alive every second of every day. It didn't ask to pulled into your stupid Earth politics.

05vot.gifIn a nutshell: Apparently we're not just expected to go out and vote, but stay up all night watching election returns on TV too. Well excuuuuse me, Mr. Big Shot Political Cartoonist, but some of us have jobs to go to and can't stay up that late, no matter how much "Mountain Goo" we drink.

Point to ponder: "Mountain Goo"? Seriously?

But I really feel sorry for: People who have real jobs to go to and can't stay up late watching TV and drinking "Mountain Goo". Suckers!

06nan.gifIn a nutshell: Nancy Pelosi, newly minted Speaker-to-be, must guide the ship of state forward, like someone directing a donkey with only ... a ... long pole thing with ... a nail in it at one end.

Point to ponder: That is what that is, right? A long stick with a nail at the end? Or a thumbtack or something? Anyone?

But I really feel sorry for: Me, because I don't know what the hell is going on here, and it makes me feel like a schmuck. Is it a Don Quixote reference? Or am I supposed to know something about the tools people who actually ride actual donkeys use? Because that ... that doesn't seem really fair to me. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON


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